


Somehow I Still Carry On, Burdened By Fears

by slashter



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Amnesia, Anal Sex, Blow Jobs, Doppelganger, Fluff and Angst, Hand Jobs, Infidelity, Kidnapping, M/M, Pining, there's a happy ending i swear
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-23
Updated: 2014-01-23
Packaged: 2018-01-09 12:35:14
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 31,307
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1146046
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/slashter/pseuds/slashter
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>He doesn't realize how much pain he's in until the hot water hits his shoulders. He hisses at the sting but lets the water pound his aching muscles anyway, washing himself with Liam's body wash and shampoo, then toweling himself off until he's practically pink. His knees are already buckling as he makes his way over to the dresser, grabbing a pair of clean boxers, and he eases himself into bed, wrapping himself in the cold sheets.</i>
  <br/>
  <i>He doesn't cry, no, not at all.</i>
</p><p> </p><p>[Or the one where Liam's been kidnapped but doesn't remember Zayn and Zayn struggles with loss and love and heartbreak all over again]</p>
            </blockquote>





	Somehow I Still Carry On, Burdened By Fears

**Author's Note:**

> Okay okay so this is my first Big Bang I've ever done and I was super nervous at how this fic would turn out but I'm happy with it?? I think?? So please let me know what you thought of it!
> 
> I haven't written a fic this length since [Can I Make It Any More Obvious?](http://archiveofourown.org/works/739915) so this took a bit of work but yay!!!  
> Also please don't hold me responsible for any weird time lapses/gaps/incorrect timelines/ages because I really didn't pay very much attention to that part of the story whoops
> 
> beta'd thanks to [Amelia](http://archiveofourown.org/users/ameliamc) and also thanks to [Lynn](http://andzoidberg.tumblr.com) for the beta and support and [THIS AWESOME FANMIX](http://andzoidberg.tumblr.com/post/74306362133/somehow-i-still-carry-on-burdened-by-fears-by)
> 
> ~Title is from The Thoughts That Give Me The Creeps by Hellogoodbye
> 
>  **Disclaimer:**  
>  I don't know anyone in 1D or anyone involved with them that's mentioned in this story. This work is purely a piece of fiction.

 

\------------

 

"He's missing."

 

Zayn hears the words but they don't register. They can't be true. It's not possible. 

And that's what he says. 

"That's not true. It's impossible."

He hears the policeman sigh and give him a pitiful look. Zayn strengthens his gaze and gives the cop a once-over himself. 

It's late. The man's tired. He probably has a bunch of open cases to deal with, and he mixed something up. The officer scratches his scruff and clears his throat.

"Payne, right?"

"Liam." Zayn corrects. "Liam James Payne."

"Okay. Listen, I'm sorry about the news, mister...?"

"Malik."

"Right. We've filed a missing persons report, now all we can do is wait for either him to show up or for some information on his whereabouts."

Zayn clenches his jaw, slamming his hands down on the table in front of him. "Is that really fucking _everything_ you can do?!" He cries, causing the small group of people around him in the office to stop and stare. "You're not even going to try to find out _how_ this happened? Or who the culprit is?"

"Listen, son, this happened in a dark alley, late at night, and just a short while back. Who knows? He could've gone on a impromptu vacation or something."

Zayn's eyes narrow. "He hasn't called me, his family, or his friends in _three_ days. He doesn't do shit like that. He never came home. He didn't have a car. He had, like, what, five bucks in his wallet? What the hell kind of a vacation is that?"

"Look. I understand, that, as a concerned friend--"

" _Boy_ friend _._ "

"Pardon?"

"I'm his boyfriend."

"Oh."

"Yeah." Zayn says, scrutinizing the officer's expression. When he can see no obvious signs of discrimination, he sighs, running his hand through his hair. "Listen." he begins. "I'm gonna do my part in this. And if he shows up, I'll make sure to let you know. But please, promise me that you'll do everything you can to find out where Liam is. He--he means everything to me, all right?"

The officer opens his mouth to say something but then shuts it immediately, solemnly nodding. 

Zayn gives a small nod of thanks and turns, leaving the police station. 

 

Once outside, he sighs. He's pretty surprised that he hasn't thrown some sort of fit yet. He knows that he'd usually be slamming the cop up against a wall by now, after destroying everything on the desk and maybe even kicking some shit over. But, for some reason, he just feels tired. Too tired to cope with his anger, and it's probably because of Liam. Liam wouldn't want him to react like that. Liam would want him to stay calm and have faith. Liam would frown for weeks but wouldn't do or say anything harmful.

Zayn reaches his apartment, unlocking the door. Some small part of him is hoping that this is all just some weird misunderstanding, that Liam's phone ran out of battery and that he'd be inside, stirring soup in a pot on the stove, smirking at Zayn when he'd walk in. Liam would chuckle at Zayn's paranoia, pull him into a long, warm hug, and kiss him softly, once on each eyelid, then his nose, then his lips, like he always does.

But instead, Zayn opens the door to a cold apartment, tinged with a dark grey light because the blinds haven't been open, since that was always Liam's thing, and there's nothing nice-smelling on the stove, because Zayn doesn't cook, no, that's Liam's thing too. Zayn can start to feel that familiar stirring of anger as his pulse begins to race. He feels nauseous but he knows he can't break, not here. He runs into his bedroom and grabs Liam's small duffel bag by the door, sprinting out of the apartment immediately.

His blood continues to pound in his ears as he arrives at the gym and throws the main door open, the receptionist looking up at him in surprise.

"Can I help you?" She asks, and it takes Zayn a moment to figure out that this isn't the usual girl who's at the front, the one who's seen Zayn come in with Liam multiple times. Then again, Zayn hasn't been to the gym with Liam in ages, so as far as he knows, she could be the usual girl by now.

"Is Liam here? Liam Payne?"

"Oh! You know Liam?" The girl asks, smiling. Her expression is bordering on dreamy and Zayn really wants to punch something. "Are you a friend of his?"

" _Boy_ friend." Zayn corrects, for the second time that night, and at least the saddened expression on the receptionist is enough to calm him down a bit.

"Oh." She says, dejectedly, and then sighs. "Well, the last time he came in was Thursday, so…three days ago? Which is strange, I mean, he usually comes in on Sunday nights, he's got--"

"Training. With Paul." Zayn says, finishing her sentence. "I know." He adds, watching as the venom in his voice causes the girl to frown. He sighs. "Sorry." He throws in, though he's really not, as he pulls open the doors to the locker room.

"Hey, you can't--" the girl cries, but Zayn ignores her. He's been to this place enough times to know where to go, and Liam's practically royalty around here, so he shouldn't have any problems acting like he owns the place.

He walks to locker 112--"It's your birthday," Liam had said when he'd picked it out, ruffling Zayn's hair--and spins through the combination, clicking it open to find it mostly empty, save for a few articles of clothing. Zayn strips down to his boxers, carefully placing his shoes and clothes into Liam's locker, and then pulls out the other boy's workout gear from his duffel bag. It's a bit large on him, but Zayn couldn't care less. 

He picks up the shoes and even Liam's mouthguard, figuring that he's swapped enough spit with the other boy to not have to be grossed out by wearing it. Zayn tapes up his hands and he's about to close the locker when he glances at the inside of the door and freezes.

It's all them. Pictures of them, drawings of them, little things they've given each other. A sheet of paper with doodles Zayn had created during a long lecture one time, a photo of them jumping off of a trampoline, the little origami crane Zayn had made out of bright pink paper which he'd thought Liam had thrown away. 

It's seeing all these memories, all these little things, that get his heart pumping fast again, that get him absolutely enraged about the fact that Liam is gone somewhere, or worse, taken, and he slams the locker door shut, stomping off to the gym.

 

He enters to see the place relatively empty, with the stocky figure of Paul resting against a wall near a large punching bag. He approaches the man with fire in his eyes, and all Paul does is raise an eyebrow in surprise.

"Where's Liam?" He asks, and Zayn wants to scream.

"He's gone."

"Where? Home?"

"I don't know. Nobody fucking knows."

"What do you--" Paul starts, and then his eyes widen as he understands. "Have you called the police?"

Zayn laughs bitterly. "Yeah, went there in person. Fat lot of good they were. It's only been three days so they're not considering it a serious case yet. Which is total bullshit."

"Three days? Damn." Paul replies, shaking his head. "That boy wouldn't miss a workout if it'd kill him."

"I know. That's why--" Zayn exhales hesitantly. "That's why I'm here. I don't want his time to go to waste."

Paul sizes him up and chuckles a bit. "You're not exactly his body double, Zayn."

"I _need_ to punch something, Paul. Or else I'm going to punch some _one_. You're here. I'm here. Let's do this."

Zayn's never been this forward with Paul before, and he can tell that the man notices it too, because he simply raises an eyebrow again and rolls his eyes, pushing himself off the wall and walking over to an open area. Zayn follows him.

"Jumping jacks. Let's go."

"How many?"

"As many as you can."

 

Everything's in focus, really. He's in pain but it doesn't really hurt, because Zayn's never felt this rush of _calm_ before, this wonderful sense of relaxation. He's got such a wonderful grip on reality right now that he doesn't even care that it feels like his calves are about to melt right off his legs. Paul can definitely tell, because he's been pushing Zayn to his limits and Zayn has been letting him. He's drenched in his own sweat when Paul places a strong hand on his shoulder.

"You're good, kid. Time's up."

Zayn shakes his head. "No. More. I need more, Paul, I need--"

"What you need," Paul interjects. "Is a hot shower and a good night's rest. Go home, eat a sandwich. Go to sleep. Hopefully, when you wake up, we'll know where Liam is."

Zayn bites the inside of his cheek as Paul walks away. He drags himself into the locker room and shoves his own clothes back into the duffel bag, along with whatever clothing was sitting inside the locker. The girl at the front desk calls to him as he's walking out the door, but he ignores her again, staring at the ground until he reaches his apartment.

He doesn't realize how much pain he's in until the hot water hits his shoulders. He hisses at the sting but lets the water pound his aching muscles anyway, washing himself with Liam's body wash and shampoo, then toweling himself off until he's practically pink. His knees are already buckling as he makes his way over to the dresser, grabbing a pair of clean boxers, and he eases himself into bed, wrapping himself in the cold sheets.

He doesn't cry, no, not at all.

 

 

\------------

 

"Zayn? Wake up!" A voice calls. It's a familiar sound, and Zayn instantly relaxes. Relief floods through his body as he rolls over, smiling, his eyes still closed. 

"Li?" He mumbles, opening his arms. "Where the hell have you been, babe?"

"Uh, no?" The voice says, and it's a bit too high and that's what makes Zayn open his eyes. He looks up and sees the amused face of his best friend, biting back his smile and trying not to laugh.

"He's got you _whipped_ , bro." Louis says, smirking.

Zayn groans, turning back over and shoving his face into the pillows. "Go away."

"I _would_ ," Louis begins, plopping himself down on the bed, "but my boss said that if I don't show up with Liam, I might as well not show up at all. So. Where is he? He hasn't even called in sick or anything. This isn't like him."

Zayn freezes, suddenly recalling the events of the previous day. He feels cold, numb, like he's just been dunked into a tank of ice water. He opens his mouth but he can't breathe all of a sudden, and his heart is beating faster and faster, he can't stop shaking.

"Zayn?" Louis says worriedly, suddenly standing up and turning him over. "Shit!"

 

He runs out of the room and Zayn tries to call out his name but he can't. It's like his throat is closing up, and all he can think about is _Liam_. Liam's hands and Liam's smile. Liam's eyebrows, the ones Zayn would trace absentmindedly with his fingers, the ones that'd press together when Liam was in pain, when he was bleeding. Liam's blood. Pouring out, everywhere, staining the walls and the floor of a dark room somewhere, his eyes dull, lifeless. His skin cold, his lips blue, Zayn's name frozen on them as the life slowly drained out of his body.

Zayn shakes even more, and can vaguely register the pain from his sore muscles as he literally vibrates with panic. He's trying to get himself to calm down but all he can focus on is the sight of Liam's dead body in front of him, somewhere far away, somewhere Zayn will never see it. He can feel tears running down his cheeks but he's not sad, he's just scared, so, so, scared, and he doesn't want to cry, he wants to be strong. He wants Liam.

But it's not Liam that runs in a few seconds later and sits Zayn up, supporting his frame with a strong arm. It's not Liam who quietly shushes Zayn's whimpers, who presses an empty paper bag to his lips and instructs him to breathe in and out. But Zayn still listens, the tears flowing as he breathes desperately, gasping for air, still crying as his breathing evens out. He turns and wraps himself around Louis, the sobs wracking his ribs.

"He's gone. He's gone, Louis." Zayn cries, and he feels Louis still above him. "He's been gone for days and I told myself he'll come back but he won't, Lou, he's not there. He's gone, and I don't know where. I said no and I told myself he wouldn't leave me like this but no one knows where he is and he's gone. What if they killed him, Louis, what if--what if he's already dead and I don't know because he's gone and I'll never see him again?"

 

It takes Louis a second to respond, and he spends the time slowly carding his fingers through Zayn's tangled hair. "It'll be fine, Zayn." He says, finally, barely whispering. "It'll be all right." He clears his throat. "How long?"

"Four days, counting today." Zayn says, replying automatically, trying to not let the weight of those words settle on him.

"Have you told Karen or Ruth or Nicola or…?"

Zayn shakes his head slowly. Karen had called yesterday, which is what had prompted him to go to the police, since he'd figured that if Liam was ignoring him for some unknown reason, he'd have gone home to his family. But apparently that wasn't the case, since Karen hadn't heard from him in days either.

"All right." Louis says. "That's the first step. I'll call this in at work and we'll work on finding out more about what happened today, okay?"

Zayn just nods dumbly, Louis' words swimming around his head but making no real impact in his thoughts. He feels light-headed and nauseous, and he doesn't want to move because he's sure he'll puke up his guts if he does.

 

"When was the last time you ate?" Louis asks, frowning as he takes in Zayn's sickly demeanor.

Zayn just shrugs and Louis sighs, pushing him over to the edge of the bed. "Go take a bath." He orders, and when Zayn doesn't move, he gently guides Zayn up and over to the bathroom, stripping him down and filling up the tub with hot water. He sits Zayn down in the near-scalding water and Zayn instantly relaxes, his limbs unfurling and stretching out.

Zayn's sore muscles throb in the heat, but in the best way possible, and before he knows it, he's being woken up by Louis.

"There's lunch."

"Did you _cook_?"

"No, you idiot, I got pizza. Now hurry up and get dressed."

Zayn grunts in response and manages to push himself up halfway out of the tub before his elbows buckle and he falls back onto his ass in the tub with a loud thud.

"I'm okay!" He yells to Louis, wincing at the pain, though he can hear the other boy cackling. He keeps forgetting about the stupidly overzealous workout he forced himself through the day before. Strangely enough, it was probably one of the best experiences of his life, the way immersing himself into something so intense managed to clear his head. He kind of gets why Liam is so obsessed with it.

Shit, _Liam_.

 

"Finally. I was about to reheat the pizza." Louis comments as Zayn stumbles into the living room, wearing nothing but a pair of boxers he'd hastily stepped into. Louis gives him a once-over. "Your underwear is backwards."

"We have to find Liam."

Louis sighs. "Yes. I know. But first, you need to eat."

"I'm not hungry."

"I don't care. Sit down and eat something."

"You're not the fucking _boss_ of me, Louis." Zayn spits, stomping over to Louis so he's looming over where the boy sits. "Now either you're helping me or you can get the _fuck_ out of my apartment."

Louis' eyes blaze as he stands up. He's a bit shorter than Zayn, but Zayn can practically feel the anger radiating from him, and that's enough to make Zayn shrink back a bit.

"I'm here to help you." Louis states, shockingly calm for his steely demeanor. "I'm here to help you because you _need_ me, Zayn, and if you don't want to end up hurting yourself or doing something incredibly fucked up, then you should be quiet, sit your ass down, and do what I say."

Zayn clenches his jaw but nods, because he knows Louis is right, and sits down, picking up a slice of pizza. It's not until the first bite is past his lips that he realizes just how hungry he is, and soon he's finished the slice and is scarfing down two more.

"Slow down, tiger!" Louis says, patting Zayn on the back and giving him a glass of water. Zayn gulps it down and then catches his breath, blinking.

 

It's weird, his relationship with Louis. He's known him for ages and Zayn still can't pinpoint exactly when they met or exactly when they became best friends, but he knows he wouldn't be where he is without the boy. Louis was the one who helped him come out, who got him his job, who introduced him to Liam. He's done so much for Zayn and it almost feels like a one-sided relationship, but Louis never seems to complain about it, so Zayn never says anything.

He knows Zayn has these problems--these times when the anger inside of him just bubbles over and he explodes. The good thing about Louis, though, is that he can get just as angry just as fast, and he always calms Zayn down. Zayn can't control what he says or does when he gets that angry, but whenever Louis barks an order at him when he's in that state, Zayn blindly follows his instructions, and he has no idea why. 

He doesn't listen to anyone when he's angry, not even Liam. With him, though, it's different.

Liam is quiet and collected. Unlike Louis, when Zayn gets angry, Liam leaves him alone. He lets him be until Zayn looks for Liam and finds him curled up on the couch reading or running on the treadmill as if nothing out of the ordinary has happened. Liam always stops what he's doing and gives Zayn a huge smile, so big that his eyes crinkle up, and wraps him in a large hug, not letting go until Zayn has his own arms circling Liam's shoulders.

Then Liam kisses him softly and takes him to bed. Sometimes they have sex, but most of the time Liam just lies there with Zayn in his arms, and Zayn watches and feels how Liam breathes in the dark to help himself calm down.

It's strange that two such different personalities have the same effect on him. Liam cancels Zayn out, but Louis overpowers Zayn. Either way, at the end of it all, Zayn feels empty, but in a good way, like someone just removed a huge thorn from his chest, and it's like he can finally breathe again. 

And that's how Zayn feels now, light and free, albeit a bit sore, and he looks up at Louis graciously, speaking a silent thank you with his eyes. Louis seems to understand and just smiles back in response, and the two stay silent for a while.

 

"Don't say it." Zayn mutters finally.

"Say what?" Louis asks, smirking. "'I told you so'?"

Zayn glares at him and flips him off. "I'm done." He states. "Can we go now?"

"Zayn, do you even have a _plan_?"

Zayn shrugs. "I was just gonna ask around."

"Really?" Louis raises an eyebrow. "We're not gonna make flyers or anything?"

"Flyers? Is…is that a good idea?"

"Uh, _yeah_. Also, post this on Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, _everything_. You wanna get the word out as much as possible."

"Oh." Zayn says, frowning. He'd never even thought of that. "Yeah, okay, that sounds good. We should do that."

Louis rolls his eyes and picks up Zayn's laptop from the coffee table. "Thanks for your permission. Now. Do you have any recent pictures of Liam?"

 

 

\------------

 

They flyer _everywhere_. 

Zayn didn't even know there were this many bulletin boards across town, but apparently there are. He also isn't aware of just how many people know Liam, because almost every shop owner or passerby stops and gasps when they read the flyers that Zayn and Louis put up.

 

Zayn makes a Facebook post about Liam's disappearance and it gets a fair number of likes and shares, so he feels a bit optimistic about the whole situation, though he knows that there's really nothing to feel good about at this point, because Liam's still not home. 

So he waits.

 

 

\------------

 

"I'm moving out of town."

Louis starts laughing. 

"I'm serious."

" _Right_ , Zayn. Stop fucking around. All right, got any Jacks?"

" _Louis_." Zayn says, putting his cards down on the table. "I'm not joking."

"This isn't how you play Go Fish, y'know." Louis mumbles, sighing.

"I'm sick of waiting around for something to happen. Nothing's happening. It's been almost a _year_ , Lou."

Louis nods silently, then takes a deep breath. "Where're you planning on going?" He asks, picking up Zayn's forgotten hand of cards and shuffling them back into the deck.

"Columbus." Zayn answers.

Louis freezes. "Ohio?" He questions, and his eyes narrow when Zayn nods in reply. "Zayn, that's a different _state_."

"So?" Zayn shrugs. "That's kind of the point, isn't it? To get away from it all."

"And what are you going to do in _Columbus_?"

"Get a job somewhere? Find a small apartment? I'm not sure. I just--I can't be Bloomington any longer. Everything here reminds me of--" Zayn pauses, inhaling sharply. "--of _him_. And I'm sick of it."

"Well, fuck." Louis says, biting his lip. He glances up at Zayn. "You know I'm not going to let you do this alone, right?"

Zayn smirks. "That's why I told you in advance."

"Please. As if I'd ever let you leave without telling me."

"Louis, you _can't_ leave. Your whole _life_ is here. What about your job?"

"I'll quit."

"Your apartment?"

"Stan can find someone else to live with."

Zayn clears his throat. "Your family?"

Louis hesitates, but only for a moment before setting his lips in a thin line. "I can come back and visit whenever."

"No." Zayn declares, shaking his head. "I'm not letting you give them up for me."

"You're not making any choices for me."

"Louis--"

"I'm coming with. End of discussion." Louis says firmly, and then gets up and walks over to Zayn, leaning down and wrapping him in a hug. "I'm not letting you do this alone." He mumbles into Zayn's collar.

Zayn's arms automatically curl around Louis' shoulders. "Thanks." He whispers back.

"You're not the only one who loved him, y'know." Louis replies.

 

 

\------------

 

The light floating in through the half-open blinds in the empty living room of the apartment give it a sort of hazy glow, as if Zayn's looking at it in a dream. The entire place is bathed in yellow light, and even though Zayn can see the millions of dust particles floating around in the stripes of sunlight, he loves it. And from the look on Louis' face, the other boy does too.

"We'll take it." Zayn says, nodding to the landlord, and they're informed that they can move in tomorrow.

"That's pretty soon." Louis remarks, once they're in the parking lot of the apartment complex.

Zayn looks at the cookie-cutter flats stacked around him, shrugging. "Maybe they want to fill up the place as fast as possible?" He offers.

"Whatever." Louis says, sighing. "If there's something really fucked up with the place, though, I'm blaming you."

"Shut up. You know you liked it as much as I did. Plus, it's the best place we've seen for the price we're paying."

"Yeah, yeah. So," Louis says, stretching himself out. "Where're we staying tonight?"

"I think I saw a Holiday Inn nearby. That good enough?"

"I guess I can manage to give up a five-star hotel suite _this_ time, Malik, but this is your third strike."

"Noted." Zayn says, chuckling.

 

They reach the motel soon enough, though they barely manage to fit their small U-Haul into the parking lot. Zayn grabs his--okay, Liam's--duffel bag and rolls his eyes at Louis' unnecessarily large rolling suitcase.

"It's _one_ night." Zayn says, sighing as Louis sniffs haughtily at him and stomps off to the front desk. He dings the small silver bell once, waits a few seconds, hits it again, and then waits a grand total of 10 more seconds before he's tapping the bell incessantly.

 

"Jesus _Christ_ , man, calm your tits!" A voice yells, and it's so sudden and loud that Louis immediately freezes. The door behind the desk opens and a thin blond man appears, shooting a dark look at Louis. 

Zayn smirks because the skinny guy has _nothing_ on Louis' glares, and Louis just rolls his eyes leans forward. "We need a room." He announces, as if it wasn't already obvious.

"You dyin' or something?" The guy behind the desk asks in a thick accent, and Zayn can make out a small black name tag pinned to his shirt that reads ‘ _NIALL_ ’.

"Um," Louis says, confused. "No?"

"Then there's no reason for you to be murderin' the goddamn bell like that, mate." Niall says, running his hands through his unruly hair. "Woke me up in the middle of my nap. Bloody good one it was, too." He mumbles, jiggling the mouse of the computer in front of him till it comes to life.

"Listen here, Neil--" Louis starts, and is cut off with another glare from the blond.

"It's _Ni_ -all." He says. 

"Whatever." Louis replies, waving away Niall's words with his hand. "We want--"

"You know what, mate?" Niall says suddenly, leaning forward so that he's eye-level with Louis. "Fuck off."

Louis is stunned into silence, which is a pretty rare sight, and Zayn bites his lip to hold back his laughter. " _Excuse_ me?" Louis says, cheeks reddening.

"I'm not servin' a brat like you. There's a Super 8 a mile down, they can deal with the likes of you." Niall says, grinning brightly. "Ta."

Louis opens his mouth to protest but Zayn appears next to him in a flash, clasping a hand over Louis' lips and smiling widely at Niall.

 

"Hey, Niall," Zayn says, making sure to pronounce the name correctly, and Niall does a bit of a double-take, as if he hadn't noticed Zayn lurking in the shadows. "Please excuse my asshole of a friend. Can we get a room?"

Niall narrows his eyes, sizing Zayn up, and gives a sigh of defeat. "All right. But just 'cause you're cute. Tell your boyfriend to cool it a bit, yeah?"

Louis rips Zayn's hand off his mouth and spouts a sharp, "I'm not _gay_!" at the same time that Zayn chuckles and says, "He's not my boyfriend."

Niall's eyebrows rise but he smirks. "Could've fooled me." He says, winking at a fuming Louis, and then turns back to his computer. "So double beds, then?"

 

 

\------------

 

Zayn wakes up a bit too early, feeling sleepy but not tired enough to go back to sleep, so he grumbles and takes a long shower, then shuffles down to the front lobby. To his surprise, it's fairly packed for a weekday afternoon, and he inserts himself into the queue, grabbing a couple bagels and apples, making himself a cup of coffee and Louis a cup of tea. A tall, curly-haired boy steps up to him while he's at the drink station and grabs his wrist right as he's about to pour milk into Louis' drink. 

" _Stop_!" He cries, and Zayn jumps about a foot in the air, dropping his drink onto the carpet.

Zayn whines but grabs a bunch of napkins and goes to kneel down to blot at the stain, but his range of movement is cut off by the large hand still wrapped tightly around his wrist. "Uh…" He begins, glancing between the boy and his death grip.

"Oh! Sorry." The boy says, releasing Zayn and turning pink. "Um, don't worry about the coffee, I'll take care of that. I just, uh, wanted you to watch out for the milk, I think it expired, I was here to replace it." The boy mumbles out, his voice slow and syrupy, and he raises his other hand to show an unopened gallon of milk.

"Ah." Zayn replies. He reaches for another cup and pours himself out a new coffee while the boy tosses the old container of milk away and sets up the new one. "I guess you saved me from a really crappy coffee, then. Thanks."

The boy grins, and his smile is so genuine that Zayn can't help but smile back. 

 

"I'm Harry!" The boy says, sticking his hand out, and Zayn chuckles and shakes it.

"I'm Zayn. You work here?"

"Yeah, me and my boyf--um, my friend Niall, me and Niall, we own the place." Harry replies, looking a bit flustered.

Zayn catches Harry's slip of the tongue but he says nothing about it, nodding in reply. "Yeah, I met him last night. Seems like a good guy."

"He's the _best_." Harry agrees, blushing a bit, and Zayn chuckles. He looks over to the front desk but Niall isn't there; a short, thin girl with long black hair piled on her head has taken his place.

"Niall not here today?" Zayn asks, motioning to the girl.

"Oh, that's Cher. One of our employees." Harry says, turning over to look at the girl, who spots Harry and sends him a wink. Harry turns back to Zayn, rolling his eyes. "It's Niall's day off. It's actually _my_ day off too, but Niall woke up shouting about the milk this morning, so I promised to stop by and replace it."

"You two live together?" Zayn asks casually, although he already knows the answer, and it's confirmed by Harry's deep blush.

"Uh, yeah, we're, uh. Roommates." Harry says, his tone a bit dark.

"Cool." Zayn says, noting down Harry's expression. "I'm here with _my_ roommate, Louis. We just moved here from Bloomington, bought a place nearby. We're moving in today."

Harry perks up at that. "Oh, really? Cool! Niall and I live pretty close by too. We know all the best places to hang. We should all chill sometime!"

Zayn smiles. "Yeah, sure, that'd be nice."

"Here, give me your phone," Harry demands, and Zayn hands it over and watches Harry type furiously for a minute before smiling and returning the device. "Now you have our numbers!"

"Thanks, man." Zayn replies, smiling at the _Harry Styles_ and _Niall Horan_ in his contacts. "Hey, uh, listen, I hate to do this, but Louis is gonna wake up soon, and he turns into a total diva if he doesn't wake up to any tea, so…"

"Oh yeah! Sorry, I've just been chattering on. My bad." Harry says, giggling. He turns and walks over to the front desk. "See you around, Zayn!" He says over his shoulder, and Zayn waves and makes his way back up to his room.

 

"Wake up, sunshine!" He cries as he enters his room, and Louis groans and puts a pillow over his head. 

"Do we have to get up _now_?" He asks, and Zayn tuts and places down the food and drinks on the bedside table.

"Yeah! The sooner we get up, the sooner we move in, the sooner you can go to sleep in your new bed." Zayn sing-songs.

"I did buy a new mattress."

"I know. Now get your sorry ass up, I made you tea."

 

Zayn fills Louis in on the morning's events after they've checked out and are back on the road, driving to their apartment.

"Harry and Niall are _totally_ together." He says, shaking his head. "I just don't get why he was trying to hide it."

"Maybe Columbus is, like, super conservative." Louis suggests, wiggling his fingers. "Or maybe he thought it was unprofessional?"

Zayn shrugs. "I guess. Either way, they seem like nice guys, we should really hang out with them sometime. Even though Niall hates you."

Louis just scoffs and folds his arms across his chest defensively. 

"You know you were an asshole last night." Zayn says, giving Louis a pointed look.

"Yeah, yeah." Louis mumbles. "Road trips make me grumpy. I'll apologize the next time I see him, I swear."

 

They pull up to their apartment building and then the rest of the day is spent sweating and groaning over the heavy boxes and furniture they have to bring into their rooms. By the end of the day, the two boys are slouched over on the sofa, tuckered out.

"I need a shower." Louis decides. "And some pizza. And beer."

"Yeah, too bad we don't have any food."

"So order some."

Zayn snorts and picks up his phone, and then pauses as he's about to google the pizza places nearby. He finds his contact list and picks out Harry's name, holding the phone up to his ear.

"What're you doing?" Louis asks, eyeing him suspiciously, but Zayn just shushes him.

 

"Hello?" Harry's voice sounds on the other end, and Zayn clears his throat.

"Harry? Hi! It's, uh, Zayn. From this morning?"

"Oh! Bloomington Zayn, right?"

"Yeah," Zayn says, chuckling. "Listen, Louis and I wanted to get some pizza and we were wondering what good places there were around here?"

"Well, Niall and I aren't really too fond of the chain restaurants nearby, but--uh, wait, hold on." Harry says, and then Zayn hears some mumbling and quick whispering in the background. "Hey, Zayn?"

"Still here."

Harry laughs. "Right. Okay. Just text me your address. We'll bring the food over."

"Oh. Uh, you sure?"

"Yeah, man, of course! It'll be like a housewarming party, right?"

"All right then. I'll see you soon, I'm presuming?"

"Give us, like, an hour? We'll be there."

"We're bringing' beer!" Niall's voice yells from the background, and Zayn chuckles.

"Good." He replies, saying goodbye to Harry, and then texting him his address. He turns to Louis. "So."

"I heard it all, you idiot." Louis says, rolling his eyes. "I'm gonna go shower."

 

Niall and Harry show up an hour later, just as promised, with three pizza boxes and a couple six-packs. Both of them laugh when Zayn's eyes widen at the amount of food they've brought, and Niall just shrugs in explanation.

Zayn's questions are soon answered when he watches Niall wolf down a whole pizza by himself, and even Louis seems impressed. A few hours later, they're all spread out across the living room, empty pizza boxes and beer cans piled up on the coffee table.

"So," Louis starts, stretching himself out, "Is there anything cool to do in Columbus?"

"Barely." Niall mumbles, and Harry throws an empty can at his head. "Ow!" 

"What Columbus lacks in places, it makes up for in people." Harry says. "For example, we hang out with the best people ever!"

"Most of them work for us." Niall says, rubbing his head. "But they're not really like employees anymore, y'know, more like friends?"

Harry nods in agreement. "We're the best bosses _ever_!"

"I'll bet." Zayn says, raising his can in a toast and then finishing his beer off.

"Hey, speaking of, got any open spots?" Louis says, and then Zayn throws _his_ can at Louis. 

"Why, man, you need a job?" Niall asks, looking up, a brow arched. "You don't really seem like the customer-service type."

Louis sticks his tongue out at the blond. " _No_. I already got a job. I'm a teacher."

"Ooo, fancy!" Harry mocks, giggling.

"College degree and everything!" Louis replies, winking.

"Fat lot of good _that_ did in Bloomington." Zayn replies, smirking. "Louis used to be a bartender--"

Louis frowns. "It wasn't by choice." He interrupts.

"--at a gay strip club." Zayn finishes, smirking.

"Makes sense." Harry says, shrugging.

"I'm _not_ gay!" Louis cries in frustration, pouting and sinking deeper into the couch. "Why does everyone always think I am?!"

"It's the bum, mate." Niall says, laughing. "You've got the bum of the gods. But, uh, hey," he continues, turning to Zayn, "if you need a job, man, consider it done. We need a new front-desk attendant anyways." 

"Wow. Uh, really?" Zayn asks.

"Yeah, man. Our friend John just left, got himself a proper job and all that."

"John's got a _fianceé_ and a _rich_ father-in-law that gave him a _job_ in his _accounting_ firm." Harry adds, posing with each new emphasis.

"Yeah, too bad that _John_ doesn't know _shit_ about _accounting_." Niall continues, posing along, and everyone laughs.

"But, really, guys, uh, thanks. For the job and all that. And for this," Zayn says, motioning to the pile of trash on the coffee table. "It's nice to meet such cool people within, like, our first two days."

"Didya hear that, Haz?" Niall cries, grabbing Harry's shoulders. "We're _such cool people_!" 

Harry giggles uncontrollably and Niall ruffles his hair lovingly. Louis gives Zayn a look.

"All right, Malik." Niall says, clearing his throat, though he's still smiling. "You start tomorrow."

 

 

\------------

 

Zayn gets by easily on his first day of work, being stepped through every process possible by Niall, and then he mans the desk for a shift with Harry watching him. About halfway through the shift, though, Harry chuckles and pats him on the shoulder.

"You got this, bro." He says, and then walks through the door behind the desk--which Zayn now knows leads to the employee lounge--leaving Zayn alone on his first day of the job. He sighs, relieved to see that he's doing all right, and although he gets a bit nervous when a whole charter bus unloads and pours into the hotel, he manages to work through every customer, plopping down into a chair at the end of the rush.

"Nice job." Niall says, and Zayn looks up to see that he's leaning against the wall, and realizes that he's probably been there this entire time.

"Thanks." Zayn replies, smiling, and Niall chuckles and massages Zayn's shoulders playfully.

"You're easy on the eyes. This place was _made_ for you." 

Zayn swats Niall's hands away but rolls his eyes and keeps smiling.

 

The job continues to be just as entertaining over the next month, during which Zayn meets the immense number of people who make up the hotel staff. He makes sure to be cordial to all of them, but finds himself gravitating to a certain few, and soon he's part of a small little clique in the place.

There's Harry and Niall, of course, and then Cher, who, Zayn learns, has grown up in the area her whole life. She's composed of tattoos and snide comments, and Zayn instantly likes her. Harry introduces Zayn to Ed, who's the actual manager of the place. Ed spends most of his time in his office, either strumming away at his guitar or poring over the books for the hotel.

"Ed looks after the money and the important stuff." Harry says to Zayn. "Niall and I are terrible at anything math-related, so he's a fucking godsend."

Then there's Josh, a short, muscular guy who works as the bellhop, and Nick, who also works the front desk. All in all, everyone seems pretty cool, and Zayn feels comfortable, secure. He hasn't had a panic attack or angry outburst since he moved and he doesn't think about Liam at all. 

That is, of course, unless he sees someone with a buzzcut walk by. Or when a customer has eyes the color of milk chocolate. Or that one time Josh takes off his shirt in the lounge to change and all Zayn can do is look at his abs. But he just shakes it off and sighs, though his heart hurts and feels like it's about to burst out of his chest. He smiles even though he's dying inside, and finds himself sneaking into Louis' bed at least once a week, curling himself into the older boy's arms and crying himself to sleep.

 

 

\------------

 

"Your job is _boring_." Louis declares, spinning himself around in the chair he's seated in, purposefully bumping into Zayn with each turn.

"You're the one that wanted to come here." Zayn replies, ignoring the other boy as he doodles on a notepad.

"I'm on break. I'm caught up on all my shows. There's nothing to do." Louis cries, spinning faster.

"That's because it's, like, a Wednesday afternoon."

"Hey, lads!" Niall says, popping out from the lounge. He looks down at Louis and Zayn watches, amused, as an evil grin grows on his face. Niall quickly reaches out and grabs Louis' chair, holding it still and making Louis fly out of it, screaming. 

Niall cackles as Louis stands up, rubbing his ass. "That _hurt_!" He cries, and it only makes Niall laugh harder.

"What's up, Niall?" Zayn says, and Niall wipes away a few tears at the corners of his eyes before looking down at Zayn excitedly.

"John's coming by. We haven't seen him in _months_! He's been workin' his arse off, so we're having a party to celebrate, tonight at our place."

"Okay, cool." Zayn shrugs, and Louis nods in approval. "Did you want me to keep an eye out for him or something?"

"Nah, just…" Niall starts, and then sighs, sitting down in Louis' abandoned chair, ignoring the boy's cry of protest. "Like, John is awesome, and all, but, just don't be weirded out about me and Harry around him tonight, all right? If we act, like, distant or whatever?"

"You mean like how 'distant' you act around us?" Louis says, using air quotes and smirking. 

Niall's eyes widen. "Is it that obvious?"

"Niall, _please_." Louis chuckles.

"Shit. Well, that's not good." Niall says, biting his lip.

Zayn frowns. "Why?"

Niall shifts uncomfortably in his seat. "Harry doesn't like to actually _talk_ about it, but, uh, John just has this--this _thing_ about gay people, and--"

"He's a _homophobe_?" Louis says, scoffing. " _You're_ friends with a _homophobe_?"

"We didn't know!" Niall says, exasperated. "We became such good friends and then one day Harry and I got, like, super cuddly and John just started getting really angry and talking about how it was a sin and Harry and I had to play it off like it was just us being friends or whatever. He doesn't know about us."

"He just thinks you're roommates?" Louis says, and Niall nods. "That share a bedroom?"

Niall sighs. "He doesn't know about that part."

"Right. Well," Louis says, plopping himself down on Niall's lap. "I'm not going to a party with any assholes. Zayn and I'll have a party on our own. Won't we, Zayn?" Louis chirps, turning to the other boy.

"I mean," Zayn says, shrugging, "honestly, I don't really care. If everyone's gonna be there, I don't mind coming. I'll just…avoid him, I guess?"

Niall smiles and Louis frowns, but sighs defeatedly. " _Fine_." He says. "Besides, with my luck, I'll be the assumed token gay of the party, I suppose."

"Good." Niall says, grinning. "Because I really want you two to meet him. He's awesome, I swear, once you get past the whole…y'know, _thing_." 

 

Zayn's shift is for a few more hours, so he waves bye to Niall and sits and doodles through about ten more sheets of paper before he realizes Louis watching him.

"Why didn't you check out any tattoo parlors when we moved here? I'm sure they're always looking for apprentices." Louis says quietly, because he knows this is a tender subject with Zayn.

"I don't have to." Zayn says quickly. "I have this job. I like it."

"I know you like the people here, Zayn, but no one actually likes this job."

"Yeah, well. It's too late now, huh?"

Louis sighs and shrugs, watching Zayn's pen dance across the paper. "I just want you to be happy." He says, mumbling into his arm, and Zayn looks up, instantly guilty. He sighs and opens up his arms, motioning for Louis to come closer, and the other boy climbs into his lap.

"I am happy. With you. With Harry and Niall. With this crappy-ass hotel." Zayn says, combing through Louis' hair. "I'm fine. I promise."

"All right." Louis says, smiling. "Hopefully we can get really trashed at the party tonight, then."

Zayn snorts but nods in agreement, glancing up at the clock and stretching himself out. "Shift's over."

"Thank _god_." Louis says, and follows Zayn into the lounge. "Make me some tea, pretty please?" 

"Sure, babe." Zayn replies, smirking, and is halfway through preparing the tea when the front desk bell rings. Before Zayn can move to get it, though, Niall hops up. "I got it!" He chirps, and runs through the door. Zayn hears Niall shout John's name incredibly loud and chuckles, stirring Louis' tea and handing it over. 

 

"Has John come yet?" Harry says, poking his head out of his office, and Zayn nods.

"Niall was just declaring his presence to everyone in the hotel." Louis adds, and Zayn laughs.

"Yeah, I think they're gonna go straight home and set everything up. You two need a ride?"

"Nah, we can just follow you." Zayn says.

"Hey, what does this John guy even look like?" Louis asks, and Harry disappears into the office and comes out with a photo frame, handing it over to Louis and Zayn.

The photo's slightly blurry, but it shows Niall sitting on the ground, his mouth opened in horror as Harry and another man dump buckets of water onto him. Harry's face is angled towards the camera, so Zayn can see how his cheeks are pink with laughter, but the other man--John, he presumes--has his back turned to the camera. He's shorter than Harry, but not by much, with curly hair that just brushes his shoulders. He's just a bit more buff than Zayn, but not significantly, and Zayn can barely make out his face.

"Nice photo, Harry. Thank you." Louis says. "Now we know what the _back_ of John looks like."

Harry scowls and snatches the photo from them, sticking his tongue out at Louis as he places the picture back in his office. "Shut up. And hurry up, we're leaving."

"Wait, who's manning the desks?"

"We called in a couple favors. And don't worry, it's Wednesday night. We don't have any reservations scheduled to check in or out today, either. Now let's _go_."

 

 

\------------

 

Harry and Niall's apartment is larger than Louis and Zayn's, which isn't surprising, and neither is the number of people that can be crammed into the place.

"Holy shit, Harry!" Louis cries, about an hour into the party. Zayn is with Louis in the kitchen, and he yells just as Harry saunters in, obviously a bit tipsy. "Do you know _everyone_?"

Harry just gives a wicked grin in reply, then grabs their hands. "C'mon, come meet John, he wants to meet his replacement."

He leads them through the crowd in the living room, weaving through bunches of people until he reaches Niall and a man who Zayn recognizes as John. Well, the back of him, at least. 

Niall's face lights up when he spots Zayn and Louis and he slings an arm around John's shoulders, turning him around. "John, here's Zayn and Louis, the blokes that took your place! And they've been doin' a great job of it too!"

Zayn hears John chuckle and there's something so incredibly familiar about it that makes his heart stop. It's like everything around him slows down and he watches as John turns around to face him and Louis. He sees John shake the hair out of his face and smile, watches his light brown eyes crinkle up at the corners. His eyes skim over John's face and rest on the small birthmark on his throat, and then Louis is gripping his arm so tight that he can feel nails cutting into his skin. Everything speeds back up to normal.

 

"Hi." John says, sticking out his hand. "I'm John. But I guess you know that by now." He says, throwing Niall a look.

Zayn just stares. He can't breathe. Because it's not John, whomever the hell John is. 

It's Liam. _His_ Liam. His hair is longer and his figure's a bit thinner but there's no doubt about it. It's him.

And Zayn just stays still, waiting for Liam to say something, _anything_ , but he just stands there, his expression growing more confused by the second. 

"Um…" He starts, glancing at Niall and Harry, but surprisingly, Louis is the first one to break the awkwardness.

"Hi." Louis says, but it's tight and the smile on his face doesn't reach his eyes. "I'm Louis. And this is Zayn. Sorry about him, I think he's, uh, a bit out of it. Too much to drink, probably."

"Ah. Yeah, I understand." Liam says, smiling again and raising his bottle of beer. "Always have to watch what I'm drinking around these idiots."

"But your kidney--" Zayn blurts out, and four sets of eyes turn to him in surprise. 

Liam's brow furrows. "Uh, my kidneys are fine. Last time I checked, at least." He says, laughing, and turns to Louis. "Wow, he must be _really_ sloshed, huh?"

Louis lets out a forced laugh and grips Zayn's arm even tighter. "Yup. Gotta get him to the bathroom. Sorry about this. Uh, nice to meet you, Li--uh, John." He says, and pushes through the crowd, dragging Zayn with him. Zayn looks back and sees Liam look at him inquiringly while Niall and Harry glance at each other, worried. 

Louis opens the bathroom to find a couple heavily making out. He groans in annoyance and literally pulls them out of the room, throwing them in the hallway, and then pushes Zayn into the bathroom, slamming the door behind him.

 

"Fuck." Louis says, and it's all he can say, apparently. "Fuck, fuck, _fuck_."

Zayn looks down at his hands, and he's shaking, hard. He's shaking and his head is spinning and everything's starting to blur. "Louis--" He starts, and he can feel his bones rattling, but it's not bad, it's good, because he's feeling something new surge through his veins, something he hasn't felt in ages--hope.

"Fuck!" Louis cries, kicking the bathroom door.

"It's Liam. It's Liam, he's _here,_ he's _alive_ \--" Zayn says, scrambling over and grabbing Louis' shoulders.

"He's John." Louis says solemnly, avoiding Zayn's gaze. "He's _John_ and he's an _accountant_ and he's a _homophobe_ and--fuck. _Fuck_. He's _engaged_."

Zayn slowly pales at Louis' words and his arms slide off his friend. "He--" Zayn says, licking his dry lips. "He's not--"

"Liam." Louis finishes, finally looking up at Zayn. "He's not. And I don't know if he knows that or not. Because we both know he's a terrible actor and an even worse liar and there's _no_ way he could have not shown _some_ sign of recognition after seeing us."

"He doesn't know who he is." Zayn says, and he feels himself shake again. "We have to tell him, we have to go tell him, we--"

" _No_." Louis says, holding Zayn still. "We can't. We don't know what it could do or what could happen to him, Zayn, if he's--if he's lost his memory," Louis says quietly, his hold on Zayn getting tighter, "it could send him into shock or do something terrible, and we could _hurt_ him."

"He doesn't remember me." Zayn says, and only now does he realize that he's been crying for the past few minutes. "He should remember me and he doesn't remember me, Louis, he doesn't--fuck, he doesn't know who I am!"

Louis pulls him close into a tight hug, shushing him until Zayn's silently crying into his shoulder. "It's all right. We'll go home, okay, and we'll--"

"No, Lou, I want to see him, I want--"

"Zayn. We can't." Louis says, holding Zayn steady as he starts to struggle. "We have to do it like this, okay? It's the only way, all right, but we'll figure it out, okay, and we'll make everything better. I promise." He whispers, and Zayn stills, his resolve crumbling as he curls into Louis.

 

Someone knocks at the bathroom door.

"We're fucking _busy_ in here!" He screams, actually _screams_ , and then turns around, enraged, when the door opens. Niall and Harry stumble in, both wide-eyed. Harry looks confused and concerned while Niall just looks pissed off.

"Get the fuck out." Louis says, trying to hide Zayn from their view, but Zayn knows they've seen him, and he's a sobbing, shaking mess.

"This is _my_ fuckin’ loo, Tomlinson." Niall spits, stepping into Louis' space. "I _told_ you not to make a big deal out of John and his opinions, and you did the exact opposite. What the _fuck_ \--"

Louis doesn't give Niall a chance to finish and grabs a handful of his shirt, walking him backward until his back slams against the door. "You think this is because your friend thinks it's wrong to be _gay_?" He says, and watches Niall's expression shift from one of anger to one of confusion. He looks over at Zayn, who's trying to compose himself as best as he can at the moment.

"Why is he crying?" Harry asks softly, walking over to Zayn.

"Don't touch him." Louis orders at Harry, and then turns back to Niall. "Here's some big fucking news. Your best friend John? He's as gay as they come."

Niall's eyes open wide and his jaw drops. "Louis, what the fuck are you on about? John--"

 

"That's _not_ his _name_!" Zayn screams, and all three boys turn to look at him. Louis drops Niall and runs over to Zayn, curling around him protectively.

"What is he talkin’ about?" Niall says.

"Nothing, okay? Nothing." Louis says, and tries to move Zayn towards the door, but Zayn's legs buckle and he falls onto the bathroom floor, sobbing. 

"What is it about John--" Niall starts, but Zayn looks up at him with angry reddened eyes and interrupts him.

"Liam." Zayn says. "His name is _Liam_."

"Okay…" Niall draws out. "Does he look like someone you know? Maybe he's just, like, a doppelganger or something, Zayn, I--"

"No." Zayn says, shaking his head. "No, it's Liam. It's Liam's eyes and nose and mouth and chin and smile and it's Liam. He's here, he's alive, and--"

"Zayn," Harry says, calmly, and kneels down in front of him. "What are you talking about?"

 

Louis lets out a long sigh and pinches the bridge of his nose. "Zayn had a boyfriend. I mean--he _has_ a boyfriend. His name is Liam Payne."

"Liam James Payne." Zayn whispers, and Louis' fingers comb through his hair.

"Liam James Payne." Louis repeats, and sighs again. "We all lived in Bloomington. Liam and I worked together for ages, I was the one who introduced him to Zayn. They lived together. They'd been together for--"

"Two and a half years." 

"--almost three years, yeah, up until about a year ago. It was a really dark night and Liam was on his way to the gym or _somewhere_ and he disappeared. We couldn't find him. We searched for a whole year, nonstop."

"I couldn't take it." Zayn says. "I couldn't stand it, he was _everywhere_ , everyone knew him, everywhere I went people stared and pointed at me and--" He lets out a choked sob, and Louis draws him in tighter. "I thought he was _dead_." Zayn finishes, his breath hitching. "And then--now he's _here_ , and he's not dead, he's alive, but he doesn't know me. He has no idea who I am, no fucking idea, _why_?!"

 

Zayn looks up at Niall and Harry and both of them are frozen in shock, though it looks like Harry's thinking hard. "I've known John for years…but he got sent off to military school when he was, like, 8. He showed up about a year ago and I love him, but I've always thought that--that he wasn't the same when he came back, y'know?"

"Look." Niall interjects. "If this bloke is who you say he is--Liam--then we've got a solid problem on our hands, don't we?" He sighs, annoyed, as Harry and Zayn look up at him, confused. "This means that someone kidnapped him, brought him to Columbus, somehow erased his memory, and gave him a new identity."

"Should we call the police?" Harry suggests quietly, and he's met with silence.

"No." Louis says after a couple minutes. "He doesn't know anything and if people start getting arrested and it's people that he's close to he'll get angry at us and then if he--if he doesn't remember, he'll just hate us." Louis sighs. "We have to get to know him. Try to jog his memory however we can."

"So. Just to be clear," Niall says, "I'm not sayin’ you guys are wrong, but you're _sure_ this is Liam?"

Zayn nods furiously, pauses, and then reaches around for his phone. He finds it and then scrolls through his photos, stopping at the album where he's saved all the pictures he's taken of Liam, and hands it over to Niall and Harry.

He watches the two of them scroll through each picture, scrutinizing them, and by the end of the album, he can see Harry sighing in defeat. 

"Yeah, that's John. That's--that's definitely him." Harry mumbles.

"Shit, man." Niall adds, shaking his head. He looks down and Zayn and then sits on the floor, crawling over to Zayn and wrapping his arms around him. "I'm sorry," he whispers quietly, and then Harry's hugging him too, and Louis just holds on and Zayn can't breathe but it's in the best way possible.

 

All four of them look up when they see hear the doorknob jiggle. The door creaks open and Liam sticks his head in. 

"Uh," he starts, eyeing all four boys suspiciously. "Everything okay?"

And to everyone's surprise, it's Zayn that pipes up. "Yeah." He says, and the three other boys around him relax and let go of him. "Sorry, I was just having a bit of a breakdown. I've sobered up a bit now, though, I think I'm good." He smiles, and it's so sudden and bright that Liam actually blinks a couple of times, pausing in the doorway.

"Okay. Right. So. Back to the party?" He says, after a couple seconds, his eyes not leaving Zayn's.

Zayn nods, and walks out the door first, making sure to brush up against Liam as slowly as possible. He feels the boy tense behind him, feels him give a little shiver, and then Zayn walks away, a smirk on his face.

He's going to bring Liam back if it's the last thing he does.

 

 

\------------

 

Zayn's making pancakes the next morning, which is a pretty big deal for him, since he's usually not even up early enough for breakfast. But for some reason, he woke up at the crack of dawn, full of energy, and couldn't find a better way to release it than stirring up some batter. 

He's humming some made-up song when Louis appears in the doorway of the kitchen.

"Zayn, what are you _doing_?"

"Pancakes!" Zayn replies cheerfully, holding up the pan and grinning. Louis just blinks at him a couple times, confused, and then turns around and walks back to his bedroom. "Don't you want any?" Zayn calls after him, and Louis just grunts in reply, so he shrugs and makes a stack for himself.

 

It takes about an hour for Louis to appear again, and he makes a cup of tea and sits on the sofa, so Zayn goes and joins him.

"We should talk." 

"About what?" Zayn says, smiling. "Liam?"

"Yeah." Louis replies, stilling. "John."

Zayn freezes upon hearing Louis say that name, because if anyone else in the world should be excited at finding Liam after so long, it should be Louis. But he doesn't look happy at all. He looks pensive and distracted, his gaze shifting from his cup to Zayn to the ceiling and back.

"That's not his name." Zayn whispers finally, picking at a loose thread on his shirt. 

"Right. Okay, listen. Zayn, you know that this isn't going to be easy, right?" Louis says, placing his cup down on the coffee table and turning to face Zayn. 

"Last night, when I smiled at Liam, he looked at me like he remembered me."

"It's not all going to go that smooth. This could take us months. _Years_ , even."

"So?" Zayn says angrily, finally turning to look at Louis. "It's Liam. I'd spend the rest of my life trying to help him remember."

"Well, good. It just might take us that long." Louis mumbles, and Zayn shrugs. "Look. You can't tell anyone, okay? _No one_. Not Liam's family, not mine, not yours. Nobody back in Bloomington can know, all right?"

Zayn looks up at Louis, shocked. "But that's not _fair_!" He cries.

"I said this last night and I'll say it again." Louis states, his tone steely. "If Liam doesn't remember, and we hurt or endanger the people that he has grown close to--as John--then the last thing he'll want to do is talk to us. Or trust us. And if he doesn't spend time with us, there's no way he'll remember everything. Got it?"

Zayn shifts uncomfortably in his seat but nods solemnly.

"Good." Louis says, and then opens his arms. "C'mere."

Zayn moves over and snuggles into his chest, and sighs happily when Louis' fingers start carding through his hair. 

"But we found him, Zayn. We found Liam."

 

 

\------------

 

It takes about another week for Zayn to see Liam again, and this time it's Harry's doing. 

"Football!" He cries, bursting through the lounge door, throwing an old soccer ball at Zayn's head. Zayn artfully ducks out of the way and picks up the ball from the floor. 

"Football or soccer?" He asks, eyebrow raised.

"Oh. Uh…soccer!" Harry shouts, just as enthusiastic as before, and Zayn chuckles. "C'mon, we're having an impromptu match at the park right now!"

"No thanks." Zayn answers, sitting down and stretching himself out. "I've never been much of a sports guy. Not planning on being one now. You boys have fun."

"But Louis said _he'd_ come." Harry says, pouting.

"Well, good for him. He was the captain of our team in high school, watch out for that fucker."

Harry sighs dejectedly and is about to walk out but then pauses for a moment, smiling wickedly. "Liam's going to be there." He says quietly, but just loud enough for Zayn to hear.

Zayn hops out of his seat immediately, tripping over his feet and falling to the floor. He scrambles back up, clearing his throat and smoothing down his shirt as Harry cackles. "Well?" He exclaims after a couple moments, giving Harry a look. "What're we waiting for?"

 

It's nice outside, but Zayn is regretting not mentally preparing himself for Liam. Louis' words ring through his head again and he has to take a few deep breaths as he sees Niall and Liam jog up to where he's standing with Louis and Harry.

"Hey guys!" Niall calls, smiling, his cheeks red. Zayn looks over and he can see Harry beam, his shoulders set unusually straight. It's then he realizes that Harry is doing everything he can to stop himself from running up to Niall and hugging or kissing him, and he feels a scowl settle itself onto his face. 

Liam smiles at Harry, then Louis, but his grin falters when his eyes meet Zayn's. He opens his mouth as if he's going to speak but then shuts it immediately, shaking his head quickly and looking down at the ground. Louis seems to be the only other person to catch this interaction, and he gives Zayn a look right before Niall speaks.

"What're we standin' around for?"

 

Surprisingly enough, Zayn does just about everything but actually _play_ soccer. He referees and shoos stray pigeons away. He jogs after the ball if it gets kicked too far out of the playing area. He even acts as a medic when Harry's sure he's broken his wrist--though, in reality, it's barely a sprain.

"You'll be fine, kiddo." Niall mocks, ruffling Harry's hair, and then laughs at Harry's pout. "Hey," he says, glancing around to make sure Liam's not around. He gently grasps Harry's wrist and presses a soft kiss to it, grinning as Harry blushes a bit. "All better, right?"

Harry nods, biting his lip, and Niall winks and runs back over to Liam and Louis, who're kicking the ball back and forth.

"I'm going to puke." Zayn announces, and Harry sticks his tongue out at him. Zayn smirks and ruffles his hair like Niall had. "You're a lucky one, _kiddo_."

Harry sighs. "I just--I wish Liam was okay with it. It's hard to hide it, y'know?"

Zayn lets out a dark laugh. "I wish Liam was okay with it too." He mutters, and Harry bumps his shoulder into his. 

"You know that Niall and I are going to do whatever we can to help, right?" 

Zayn nods, and Harry smiles. "Good." Harry says, pausing before he quickly musses up Zayn's hair and runs away from him, laughing at his squawk of surprise.

 

Zayn's fixing his hair--or trying to--in the reflection of a water fountain when Liam steps up next to him. He jumps about a foot in the air and nearly elbows Liam in the face.

" _Shit_ , Liam!" He cries, hand on his chest.

Liam frowns. "Who's Liam?" He asks, and Zayn's heart almost stops beating.

"Oh. Er--sorry, John, I--" He pauses, sighing. "You look like a…friend I used to have."

Liam studies him for a bit, and then shrugs. "Well, the guys told me we were in charge of picking up dinner, and there's a Little Caesar's not too far from here, so you ready to go?"

"Oh. Uh, yeah, okay."

They pick up a couple pizzas and walk back, Liam insisting that he carry the boxes while Zayn walks beside him, practically empty-handed. He eyes Liam up as they walk side-by-side, trying to note down how much he's actually _physically_ changed. His hair is longer, of course, practically brushing against his shoulders when he shakes it off his forehead, which is about every five seconds. 

"You're going to get a crick in your neck." Zayn mumbles, after watching him for a few minutes, and Liam raises an eyebrow.

"Thanks for your concern." He replies, a bit coldly, and Zayn frowns.

"You should shave it off." He suggests, and Liam chuckles.

"Why do _you_ care?"

"It just looks like it'd be more comfortable for you." Zayn says slowly, and shrugs. "I think it'd look better on you too."

Liam stops walking and Zayn continues on for a couple steps before turning around to face him. "Um, are you okay?" He tries, and Liam's nostrils flare, his brow furrowed.

"Look." He starts, placing the pizzas on the ground and crossing his arms over his chest. "Why are you--you've been looking at me weird since the day you met me."

"Oh." Zayn replies, and gives a small smile. "Sorry, it's just that--"

"I don't _care_ what it is!" Liam cries, and Zayn instinctively takes a step back. "I'm not--I don't _do_ those things, okay? I'm not an idiot. I can see the way you've been looking at me and I am as far from interested as possible." 

"Li--John." Zayn says, trying to keep a calm demeanor though he feels like he's imploding inside. "What are you talking about?"

"I'm not--" Liam pauses, frowning. "I'm not _gay_." He says, almost hissing out the word, and Zayn feels like he has to throw up. He automatically opens his mouth, ready to shoot back with a statement about how Liam shouldn't be an asshole, how two of his best friends are gay themselves, but he catches himself just in time and instead just opens and closes his mouth like a dead fish. 

"It's weird. And wrong. So stop it, because you're making me uncomfortable." Liam finishes, but his voice sounds strained, as if he's holding something else back. His eyes dart around, as if he's making sure no one else is nearby, as if someone's going to report him for even talking to Zayn.

Zayn just looks at him quietly, willing himself as hard as he can to not cry right then and there. "There's nothing wrong with it." He says finally, almost whispering, and Liam rolls his eyes.

"Save it for someone else, Zayn." He spits, picking up the pizza boxes. "And please stop trying with me."

 

 

\------------

 

Zayn doesn't go back to the park.

Instead, he stays standing, frozen on the sidewalk for what seems like a solid hour before quickly turning around and finding his car. He speeds the entire way home, ignoring red lights and stop signs, flipping off everyone who honks at him. He practically falls into his apartment once he opens the door, immediately heading to the freezer and pulling out the bottle of vodka he'd bought on his last shopping trip.

 

An hour later, he's good and sloshed, sunken into the couch with a significantly emptier bottle in his hand. His head is buzzing, though, and he feels like he has to throw up, but every time he thinks about heading up to the bathroom, he just feels like he wants to cry. 

So he does.

And when the door to his apartment opens a few minutes later, that's how Louis finds him, sobbing and drunk, his head in his hands.

"Zayn?" Louis says worriedly, running over to the couch. He pats Zayn's head and gently pries the bottle out of Zayn's grip, though Zayn whines at him. 

"He--he just--" Zayn starts, looking up at Louis, but the other boy shoots him a warning look before glancing up at the entrance to their apartment, where Niall, Harry, and Liam are gathered, watching Zayn. Niall and Harry look concerned, while Liam just looks...annoyed.

 

That's what sets him off, and before he knows it, he's pushed Louis away and he's on his feet, in front of Liam. He's seething, positively outraged, and he's sure it shows on his face by the way that Liam blinks at him in surprise.

"Fuck. You." He spits, jabbing a finger into Liam's chest. "Fuck you and your ideals and lifestyle and opinions. Fuck it _all_."

"Zayn." Louis warns, but his voice sounds distant, blurred, so Zayn ignores him.

"How _dare_ you yell at me about treating you different when you've given me the cold shoulder since the night you met me, you absolute _asshole_." Zayn cries, shoving Liam a bit so he has to take a few steps back. He looks just as surprised, except even a bit scared now, and Zayn totally _loves_ it. "How the _hell_ am I supposed to be able to approach you talk to you and be your friend when the first thing you do when you see me is frown and roll your eyes and look away?"

"I--" Liam starts, but Zayn shakes his head.

"You did enough talking for today. I'm just trying to get to _know_ you, and you're not even letting me and then blaming me for acting distant. Well, then, fine." Zayn says, fisting a hand in the front of Liam's shirt and pulling him close, so close that their foreheads are touching. "You never have to fucking talk to me again. Happy?"

He pushes Liam away, rougher than before, not even caring about how he trips and falls onto the carpet, because this--this isn't _his_ Liam. Louis was right. This is someone new, someone dangerous, someone Zayn should stay the fuck away from. He shakes his head once more and stumbles away into his bedroom, slamming the door shut and locking it tight before he falls into his bed, tears in his eyes once again.

 

 

\------------

 

Zayn wakes up to a loud banging in his head. He blinks a few times and groans until he realizes that it's a banging on his door.

"Zayn?" Louis' voice calls out. "Zayn, are you okay? Fuck, I swear to god, if you're dead, I'm going to _kill_ you."

Zayn lets out a half-hearted mumble and Louis' knocking ceases before Zayn hears the clinking of keys and the sound of the door being unlocked. He slowly sits up, blinking up at Louis. "You have a key to my room?"

"Obviously." Louis says, rolling his eyes. "You've been sleeping for, like, 18 hours."

Zayn sighs, pressing his face back into the pillow. "Good."

"Um." Louis mumbles, then coughs awkwardly. "Someone wants to talk to you."

"Hmm?" Zayn mumbles, but there's no reply, and when he lifts his head up to look, it's not Louis that's standing there anymore. 

 

"Hi." Liam says, quickly, not making eye contact with Zayn. There's a rush of emotions that slam into Zayn and he's so torn between wanting to punch Liam in the face or pull him into a desperate kiss that he does absolutely nothing, just stares until he feels his neck start to cramp. He clears his throat and sits up, feeling goosebumps ripple down the length of his arm--he must've tossed off his shirt sometime during the night--as his bare chest hits the open air. It could just be his imagination, but he thinks he sees Liam glance down at his torso, and he can't help but smirk a bit as Liam's eyes look away.

"What can I do for you?" Zayn asks, his tone a bit caustic. He decides that he is, in fact, mad at Liam, and he's not going to let the puppy-dog eyes change his mind this time because they're not Liam's eyes right now, not really.

"I--" Liam starts, then clears his throat and crosses his arms. "I'm sorry."

There'd been a small part of Zayn that'd been hoping that this was what Liam would say, but he tries to hide the fondness that threatens to break through his stony façade. "Good." He says, not even beating around the bush. He's not going to apologize for what he did.

Liam nods. "Yeah. I--you're right. I never really gave you a chance, did I?" He laughs, but it's held back, and Zayn sighs because he knows he can't stay mad at Liam for much longer, though he wants nothing more than to kick him out of his room right now.

 

"I want to be your friend, L--John." Zayn says, crossing his legs under the sheets. He's still wearing the tight jeans he had on from the day before and he can feel them strain against his knees. "But I'm not going to pretend to be something I'm not." 

Liam looks a bit confused so Zayn shakes his head. "I _am_ queer. And that's not going to change anytime soon. I hope you realize that."

"Oh." Liam says, then blushes a bit. "Yeah, um. I do. And I--I just--" He exhales frustratedly, running his hands through his hair and squeezing his eyes shut. "It's not me."

Zayn chuckles. "What does that even _mean_?"

Liam sighs and turns, falling onto Zayn's bed, hands covering his face. The action's just so cute and familiar that Zayn can't help but smile and it doesn't even seem like Liam knows what he's just done. "My dad. He's just--he's _super_ against it, he always rags on and on about how it's wrong and blasphemous and I just can't bring myself to speak up and tell him that, fuck, I don't _care_."

It's like the breath has been knocked out of Zayn, and his eyes widen. "…you don't?" 

Liam shakes his head. "How can I? It's not hurting _me_ in any way. I never really mind it and I just keep having to tell myself what to say when people bring it up because it's like my natural instinct is to just not give a damn about it. And I've been trying so hard to play the role but like, recently, I just don't want to anymore. It makes me mad to have to be horrible to so many people that have done absolutely nothing to me, to frown at couples holding hands and to make such an effort to hate something I don't. It's so tiring and I can't bring myself to do it anymore. I mean, my best friends are in love and they're so happy and I hate myself for having to make them pretend like they don't feel that way about each other when I'm around. It makes me feel like a total asshole to know that I'm the reason they don't act like a couple half the time."

"Yeah, I--wait, you know about Niall and Harry? Since when?"

" _Please_." Liam snorts. "I'm not blind. I've known for ages. I just couldn't be okay with it right then because my dad was watching my every move. I mean, he still does, but he's backed off a bit since I got engaged."

"Are you gonna tell them you know?" Zayn asks, purposely ignoring the last part of what Liam's just said.

"When the time is right, I guess." Liam says, shrugging. "You're--well, you're the first person I've told about this. Any of this. And I don't--I want to be the one to tell them, so promise me you'll keep it on the down low, okay?"

"Yeah." Zayn says, quietly. Liam's arms are at his side now and his shoulder's pressed against Zayn's knee and even though there's a duvet, a sheet, and a pair of jeans between them, the touch sears through his skin, and his knee jerks away before he can help himself. It's like some switch goes off and Liam suddenly shoots up, scrambling out of the bed, his cheeks burning. 

"Sorry." He mumbles, scratching his head and shaking out his curls. 

Zayn smirks. "It's cool. We're friends, right?" Liam nods slowly and Zayn's smile unfurls into a beaming grin. He shrugs. "It's what friends do."

Liam smiles back, small and tentative at first, and then just as bright as Zayn. "I'm just gonna--" He starts, moving towards the door. "You should maybe--like, shower and stuff. Not that--fuck, not that you _need_ to shower or anything, like you don't smell bad or anything. Actually, you smell, like, really nice, um--" 

Zayn starts laughing, just completely in awe of Liam, and the other boy blushes again and gives him a jerky wave before practically sprinting out of the room.

 

 

\------------

 

Things are different. 

Not bad--no, not at all. Actually, it's pretty much the exact opposite: Zayn sees Liam almost every other day, what with Niall and Harry constantly inviting him along to their lunch trips and weekend plans. Their foursome becomes a fivesome and it's ridiculous how easily all of them get along, even in boring old suburbia. They go to the beach, watch football games, go bowling, and it's all so wonderfully adolescent that Zayn can't help but roll his eyes whenever Louis starts throwing food at all of them or when Niall and Harry start to giggle inexplicably. 

In fact, Niall and Harry get so nauseating when they go out that Zayn just stares and wonders how in the hell they think they're being subtle about their relationship at all. 

The secret kind of reaches its climax, though, during one lazy Saturday afternoon at the hotel when Liam walks into the staff lounge, Zayn and Louis right behind him, to find Niall and Harry making out on the couch. They're going at it hard, and they don't even notice the other three guys until Zayn clears his throat awkwardly. Upon looking up and seeing Liam, they break away instantly, shooting apart and giving each other panicked looks until Liam rolls his eyes and looks at them both fondly.

What follows next is a solid hour of questions and yelling and tears which lead to Zayn and Louis sneaking out of the lounge, closing the door, and refusing to let anyone else into the room until there's only silence on the other side. They open the door to see the three other boys wrapped up in some sort of ridiculous hug and Zayn immediately feels himself echo Harry and Niall's giant grins.

 

Months pass, and it's not long before Liam's made his way back onto the 'favorites' tab of Zayn's contacts in his phone, and even though he's been entered in as 'John'--just to be safe--Zayn can't help but grin every time he has to make a call.

 

 

\------------

 

"Hello." Louis says, plopping himself into Zayn's lap. "'m drunk."

It's a Friday night, probably 11-something, and Niall and Harry have dragged them all to this club they've been squealing about for the past couple of months. It was a half-hour drive just to get here and another ten minutes spent on parking, so the first thing Louis had done upon arriving was down three shots in succession. Niall and Harry had joined him and had since slipped away somewhere, probably blowing each other in the bathroom or something, and since Zayn's the designated driver for the night, Liam had decided to keep him company, the two of them sprawled out in a comfy booth. 

Zayn rolls his eyes as Louis shifts around. "Surprise, surprise. Y'know, it's shocking that you're such a lightweight, considering the amount of meat on you."

Louis scoffs, offended, and hops off of Zayn's lap less than gracefully, instead walking over to Liam and sitting on his lap instead. "I'm gonna sit here with Liam. He's _so_ much cooler than you." 

Zayn freezes up a bit at the slip of Louis' tongue but Liam doesn't seem to notice it, or if he does, probably just blames it on Louis' drunkenness. 

"Us straight boys have to stick together, am I right?" Louis asks, wiggling his eyebrows, and Liam laughs.

"Louis, you were _just_ grinding up against, like, four guys on the dance floor. Are you sure you're straight?"

Louis scoffs again and slides off of Liam's lap. "I don't need to take this from you two. Where're the other boys?"

"Probably having sex in the restroom." Zayn says, and Liam chokes on his drink a bit. Zayn laughs and starts rubbing large circles onto Liam's back. Liam stops coughing but Zayn keeps his hand on Liam's shoulders, nestled gently inbetween his shoulder blades.

"Bummer." Louis slurs, and right then Niall and Harry show up, lips suspiciously red and eyes twinkling. 

"Tomlinson!" Harry cries, trying and failing to jump onto Louis' back. "What's the happs?"

"I need another drink." Louis announces, though he really doesn't, to be honest, and Niall whoops in response, hooking an arm through Louis' and pulling him and Harry back over to the bar.

 

"Those three are ridiculous." Liam mumbles, shaking his head adoringly and taking another swig of his beer. Zayn drops his hand from Liam's back and eyes the bottle warily. Liam frowns. "You okay?"

"Hmm?" Zayn asks, looking up at Liam. 

"Do you not want me to drink or something? I mean, like, if you feel left out, I can stop."

"Oh! Oh, no." Zayn says, then shrugs. "I just--I'm worried about your health, is all."

Liam raises an eyebrow. "Okay…"

Zayn flushes a bit and hopes that the dim lighting of the club doesn't make it too noticeable. "Y'know." He continues, hoping that Liam will cut him off at some point. "Alcohol is poison, and all that."

"Zayn, I see you smoke daily. You're going to scold me for having a few beers? Really?"

Zayn stutters a bit, not sure how to respond to that, and Liam grins and takes another sip. "It's okay. I've got a clean bill of health, I'll have you know. Strong muscles and bones. Fully-functioning organs and all that."

"I--all of them?" 

"Um. Yes?"

"Even your kidneys?"

"Well--what?"

"Your kidneys. They're good? Healthy?"

"Uh, yeah. I've got two perfectly fine kidneys."

"Oh." Zayn says, swallowing nervously. That's a bit weird, he supposes. Can kidneys heal themselves? Is that a thing that happens? He knows that when they were in Bloomington, Liam never really drank at all, claiming he didn't like the taste and that he knew it wasn't good for him, so it's still weird for him to see Liam down alcohol like it's nothing.

 

Liam narrows his eyes. "Are you sure you haven't been drinking?"

"I--yeah, I'm sure." Zayn says, then sighs. "Sorry. Just a bit tired, is all. Can we just forget that ever happened?"

"Already forgotten." Liam replies, smiling. "Let's change the topic. Your call."

Zayn looks out around him, at the damp smell of the air, the bodies pressed close together on the dance floor. Then he looks at Liam, at his jaw, the way his Adam's apple bobs up and down every time he takes a drink, remembers how it would do the same whenever Zayn got his knees for him. 

"Sex." He blurts out, then opens his mouth again before shutting it. "Wait, shit, sorry."

"No, that's fine." Liam says, relaxing back into the couch. Zayn wants to slap himself. The last thing he ever wants to talk about is Liam's sex life, especially when it doesn't involve him. They're quiet for a moment, and Zayn is about to throw another topic out there, anything to break the awkwardness, when Liam speaks again. "So, uh, have you ever…y'know?"

Zayn blinks a couple of times. "Had sex?"

"Yeah." Liam says, then seems to realize what he's just said. "Fuck, no, like, I meant," he jerks his head up a bit and Zayn follows his gaze over to a group of scantily-clad girls, their dresses shimmering under the lights. They're all fairly good-looking, Zayn thinks, tall and toned. He'd probably go over and chat one up if he wasn't so hopelessly in love with the man next to him. "I meant with a girl." Liam finishes. There's a bit of a blush on his cheeks and Zayn can't help but smirk at that.

"Oh." He says, as if it's nothing. "Well, yeah."

Liam chokes on his drink again, this time even tearing up a bit. "Wait, what?" He asks, once he's recovered and is dabbing at his eyes with a cocktail napkin. "Really?"

"Yeah." Zayn says, shrugging. "I mean, I've slept with my fair share of both guys and girls."

Liam nods and he's silent for a bit, so Zayn clears his throat and tries to continue the conversation. "How about you?" He teases, and watches Liam's eyebrows rise.

"Um." He starts, then looks confused. "I mean, I guess I've only slept with girls."

"You _guess_?"

"I don't--like, shit, I don't remember how I lost my virginity, but I know it was with a girl." Liam continues. "Wait, that's not weird, right? That I forgot my first time?"

"Nah," Zayn says, but his stomach sinks, because he remembers. Remembers pulling Liam into a rough kiss after their fifth date, trying to finally get into his pants but learning that Liam had never done this before, not with a guy or even a girl. He remembers kissing Liam even more after that, soft and slow, teaching Liam how to open him up, holding him tight as his hips stuttered when he pushed into Zayn.

 

"How about you?" Liam asks, and Zayn clears his throat.

"It was this girl. At a party my junior year of high school. She was in college, so my street cred got a boost from that, I suppose."

Liam laughs and Zayn smiles. It's silent again but for the first time it doesn't feel tense, just comfortable and understandable.

"What's it like?" Liam asks, quietly, and if Zayn hadn't been listening, he probably wouldn't have heard Liam speak.

"What's what like?" He replies, and he sees Liam freeze a bit, as if he hadn't meant to ask his question.

"Um." He starts, then runs his hands through his hair. "Being with a guy. Is it…like better? Or. I mean, I'm sure it's different, but."

"Yeah." Zayn agrees. "There's different pros to either gender. Girls are fun because most of them let you take charge, I guess, usually, and it's easier to find a straight girl than a gay guy half the time, whenever you're dying for a hookup or something. But I guess I'd have to say the search is worth it? To find a guy? Because sex with guys is…well, it's pretty amazing. I mean, like, there's something about being with someone who's so much like you that's just so hot? And guys know what guys like, usually, so it works out pretty well in the end. Like, personally, though, I haven't had sex with a girl in years, really, so I might be a bit biased, I suppose."

Zayn looks over at Liam and is a bit surprised to see him staring back with rapt attention. He's biting his lip and blinking slowly and it takes Zayn a few seconds to realize that Liam's turned on, and _fuck_ , that's a sight for sore eyes.

 

"I haven't--" Liam starts, speaking quietly, then clears his throat. "I haven't had sex with Sophia yet."

"Oh." Zayn says, because how is he supposed to respond to that? He kind of wants to jump for joy at the moment but he shrugs instead. "Can I ask why?"

"I don't know." Liam admits. "She's so amazing, and so gorgeous, and I _know_ that I should like her, but I just…" He pauses, leaning back, squeezing his eyes shut. "I can't get it up."

Zayn's speechless. He's staring and he's speechless and Liam hesitantly opens up one eye to catalogue Zayn's reaction. Upon seeing it, he groans and falls forward, putting his face in his hands. "I tried." He says, his voice muffled. "I tried and it didn't happen and I gave her some stupid excuse, I told her my dog died. I don't even have a dog, Zayn, I fucking _lied_ to my fiancée. And then I tried to jack off a couple days later, but I just couldn't get anything going by thinking of her. _Nothing_."

"I--" Zayn starts, but he doesn't know what to say. "Um. Okay."

"And maybe it's because of the academy?" Liam says, and Zayn suddenly perks up, interested. "I mean, like school was great, but it was all just guys and once I stopped being a teen I kind of focused more on school and training and not girls and sex like everyone else so maybe…maybe it's just a low I'm having? Maybe I'm in a slump?"

"Yeah." Zayn mumbles, but his heart is thudding fast and hard and he can feel the excitement jolting through him. "Maybe." 

 

He can't seem to get another detail of Liam's story out of his mind, though, so he brings it up again, hoping the conversation will shift to a bit more of a pleasant direction. 

"I--you mentioned school? Harry said he's known you since you were 8, is that when you left?"

Liam nods. "Yeah. I've been in Maryland for the past, like, 15 years? Almost?"

"What was it like?" Zayn asks, and it's almost cruel for him to do this, but the curiosity is just burning a hole through him. He wants to know what lies Liam's been told, _needs_ to know what story's been made up for him.

"Uh…normal?" Liam says, then clears his throat. "A lot of studying and then physical training. The usual as for any military academy, I guess."

"Yeah." Zayn says, and then is about to ask about Liam's classes when he hears a ruckus at the bar. He looks over and, to no surprise, really, Louis has somehow made his way onto the top of the bar, shirt off, swinging his hips back and forth in a manner that's far too inappropriate for an elementary school teacher. "Damnit." He curses, and shakes his head. "Let's continue this when we get back home, yeah?" He asks Liam, and Liam just nods in response, looking as if his mind's in another world.

 

 

\------------

 

The car ride back is fairly quiet. Liam sits huddled in the passenger's seat, unnaturally pensive, and Louis is smushed between Niall and Harry in the back seat, Niall crooning out some soft Irish song while running his hand through Harry's hair. 

Not much else happens until the moment they park in front of Niall and Harry's place, during which Zayn glances in the rearview mirror to see Louis locked in a heated kiss with Niall. 

"God _damnit_ ," he mutters, and is about to chide Louis for being so drunk and taking advantage of another drunk guy when his eyes flicker over to Harry and take in how he seems to be completely okay with it all. In fact, he seems to be more than okay with it, if his little needy whimper when Niall and Louis break apart is any indication. Louis immediately turns his head around and kisses Harry, just as fierce as he was with Niall, and Zayn shakes his head in disbelief. Niall leans forward, chin poking into Zayn's shoulder. 

"We'll take him for the nigh', if that's cool?" He mumbles, in a bit of a coy tone, and Zayn just chuckles and rolls his eyes.

"He's all yours. Do with him as you please. Just promise me that he wakes up with a sore ass tomorrow morning."

Harry hums in understanding and pulls away from Louis, licking his lips. "I'll take care of that personally."

Louis seems too drunk to understand what's really going on so he just smiles as Niall and Harry carry him out of the car and into their place, waving goodbye to Zayn as they leave. 

 

Zayn turns to Liam to ask him for his address when he realizes that Liam's fallen asleep. His breath hitches a bit, watching the slow rise and fall of Liam's chest, a sight he hasn't been able to see in over a year. He reaches over and gently cards his fingers through Liam's hair, making Liam mumble a bit of nonsense.

"Hey, babe. Wake up." He says, quietly, and Liam blinks himself awake. Zayn doesn't take his hand out from Liam's hair. Liam doesn't comment, instead choosing to lean into his touch. "What's your address?"

"Um," Liam starts, then yawns. "Can I crash at yours tonight? My place is like, a while from yours. Also my car's at your apartment."

Zayn nods and reluctantly pulls his hand out of Liam's hair, shifting the car back into drive and getting onto the road again. Liam whines a bit at the loss of contact but shifts himself a bit closer to Zayn, who tries really hard not to smile. His hand comes down to rest right next to Zayn's, their pinkies _just_ touching, and even though it's miles away from reasonable physical contact, Zayn feels sparks shoot through his body.

 

Once at his apartment, the two of them silently make their way inside and Liam stands there, a bit awkwardly, until Zayn clears his throat. "Want some coffee?" 

Liam nods energetically and Zayn chuckles as he moves around the kitchen, grabbing two mugs and flicking the coffeemaker on. He's sure Liam is still a bit tipsy so once he's got the drinks poured out he makes his way to the dining table and Liam follows, sitting down across from him. 

They're quiet during the first few sips until Liam pauses for a moment and frowns, looking a bit confused. "How did you--" he starts, but then stops again, contemplating something.

"Hmm?" Zayn asks, and Liam gives him a strange look.

"How did you know how I take my coffee?"

Zayn freezes for a moment and then gives a weak shrug. "Um. Lucky guess?" 

Liam gives him another look but continues to drink, and Zayn clears his throat, desperate to get Liam thinking about anything else. "So, about what we were talking about at the club…"

"What about it?" Liam replies, but his tone's a bit clipped, like he's annoyed.

"I mean, I'm just curious. What was school at the academy like?"

Liam bites his lip and then drops his mug down on the table, a bit harder than normal. He takes a deep breath and then looks up at Zayn. "Look. Can I be honest with you?"

"L--John." Zayn starts, correcting himself quickly. He hates how hard it is for him to say Liam's new name. He avoids it as much as he can and he doesn't know if Liam can tell or not. "We're friends, you know that. You can tell me anything."

"I--" Liam starts, and scrubs his face with his hands. "I don't remember."

Zayn's heart stops. "What?"

"I don't remember it. _Any_ of it. Whenever someone asks me about the academy I can't recall anything. It's like the whole experience is just…blacked out of my mind. And it's not just that, it goes back, like _way_ back. I don't remember any of the pictures my mom took of me as a kid. Whenever she tells a story of me when I was young I just laugh along and pretend to go with it but _I don't remember_ , Zayn, and it's really starting to freak me out."

Liam's shaking now, and Zayn realizes, a bit belatedly, that he's crying, his shoulders moving with the force of his sobs, and he gets up immediately, walking over to the other side of the table and pulling Liam out of the chair and into his arms. "Shhh," he says, rubbing his hand up and down Liam's back.

"What--what if it's something wrong with me?" Liam says, sniffling, lifting his head up to look at Zayn. His eyes are rimmed red and he looks absolutely _devastated_. "What if it's, like, early Alzheimer's or something? Can that even happen? What if I keep forgetting everything as I get older, Zayn? I don't want to forget this, I don't want to forget--" he stops, taking a shuddering breath, his gaze suddenly moving up and down Zayn's face, pausing for a moment at his lips before they shoot up to his eyes. "I don't want to forget you."

 

It feels like someone's punched Zayn in the stomach and all he can do is stare as Liam looks at him intensely, raw and open and vulnerable, and Zayn shakes his head, slowly bringing his hands up so that he's holding Liam's face. "No." He says, practically whispering, and he's blinking back tears himself, now. "No, I will _never_ let you forget me."

And then he's kissing Liam. He's kissing Liam after more than a year and it still hasn't changed, the way Liam's hands settle on Zayn's hips, the way their lips fit together so perfectly. It takes Zayn a second to realize that Liam's actually kissing _back_ and then he goes a bit weak at the knees, hands sliding down to Liam's shoulders to try to hold himself up. 

But Liam's not just kissing back. No, he's taken the reins of this completely and he's the one leaning forward, shuffling them around until Zayn's back hits the wall and they break for air. Liam's lips are pink and he's flushed but the last thing he looks is regretful and Zayn is so, _so_ thankful for that. 

" _Zayn_ ," Liam whispers, with so much devotion, as if his name is a secret, as if he's discovering the man for the first time. Zayn feels like he's on fire, feels so incredibly sated and bathed in relief as he tangles his fingers in Liam's hair and pulls his head back, reaching forward and biting at Liam's neck. The groan that escapes his lips is utterly filthy and his hips buck forward, bumping into Zayn's thigh and making him smile as he sucks a hickey into Liam's skin. He hums as he continues to nip at Liam, shifting a bit so that his thigh is right between Liam's legs, and Liam is grinding against his leg unabashedly now, moaning and whining and scratching at Zayn's neck. Zayn waits until he can feel the full length of Liam press against him before sliding down the wall, onto his knees. He reaches up and unbuttons and unzips Liam's pants before the other man even realizes what's going on and then he presses his mouth against the swell in Liam's boxers, blowing hot, wet breaths over it.

Liam groans again, leaning forward so that his head is pressed against the wall, and Zayn pulls down his boxers just a bit, enough for the head of Liam's cock to poke out. His mouth waters, actually _waters_ , and it's so ridiculous that Zayn can't help but laugh as he leans forward, pressing a small kiss to the tip. He kisses it again, this time with his mouth open, tongue dragging over it, and Liam's hips stutter forward once more. Zayn pulls down Liam's underwear to let his cock spring free and looks up to see Liam staring down at him in complete amazement. He doesn't break eye contact with Liam as he leans forward, sucking the head of his cock before letting his eyes flutter closed as he easily takes all of him into his mouth.

 

"Oh my _god_ ," Liam gasps, and Zayn can tell he's making a valiant effort to not move his hips, but that's not what Zayn wants, so he pulls off, wrapping a hand around Liam's cock and slowly jacking him off as he looks up at Liam.

"Fuck my mouth." He says, and Liam gasps again, sputtering hesitantly, but Zayn shakes his head. " _Please_."

Liam nods, still in awe, and waits until Zayn's swallowed him down some before slowly pulling out and thrusting back in. Zayn can feel Liam hit the back of his throat and he shivers with pleasure. Zayn hums happily, knowing Liam can feel the buzz through his cock, and leans back, letting his head rest against the wall, tilting his chin up. He reaches up and places his hands on Liam's hips, tapping his fingers there a couple times to let him know that it's okay to keep going.

Liam moves back and in again, continuously gasping and moaning and shaking with pleasure, Zayn's name constantly on his lips as he fucks into Zayn's mouth. His movements get faster, rougher, but Zayn _loves_ it, the ache of his jaw a wonderful reminder that this is all real, it's all actually happening. He's so hard himself, straining against his jeans, but he just takes a deep breath through his nose and lets Liam take control, lets him completely let go until his hips stutter again and he pulls himself out of Zayn's mouth.

Zayn lets out a disappointed whine and jacks Liam off. "Why'd you stop?" He asks, his voice a bit hoarse, and he can see Liam's eyes darken as he hears him.

"I--uh, I thought it'd be, like, rude, to…um, finish? In your…fuck, sorry, I didn't--"

"You're an idiot." Zayn quips, and jacks Liam off faster, waiting until the last possible moment to put his mouth around him and swallow down when Liam comes, hot and pulsing, onto his tongue. It's a familiar taste, bitter and heady and so _Liam_ and Zayn almost comes in his pants right then, pressing the heel of his hand into his boner, trying to hold himself off. 

 

"Shit. _Shit_." Liam hisses when Zayn slides his mouth off of him. He blinks a few times and notices Zayn's hand rubbing slowly up his own erection. "Do you--I mean, I can--"

"No, no," Zayn says, biting his lip. "Let me just--" 

Zayn sits up a bit, unbuttoning his pants and pulling them down along with his briefs, sighing in relief as his cock springs free, bobbing in midair.

"Are you sure?" He hears Liam whisper, and looks up to see him watching Zayn, amazed. "I can--"

Zayn shushes him, slowly pumping a hand up and down himself. He's totally ecstatic that Liam is ready to do this for him but he doesn't want to push Liam into anything unfamiliar, shock him to the point where he won't want to do this again or where he'll awkwardly avoid Zayn's gaze every time they're alone together. That said, he's still fine with giving Liam a bit of a show, something to keep in his mind to maybe help him the next time he decides to jack off. 

He moves his hand faster, twisting his wrist once in a while and rubbing his palm over his head to catch some precome and slick it back down over himself. He's already so close and he's a bit annoyed that he can't make this last longer, mostly because of the way that Liam's watching him at the moment, but he decides he might as well end it with a bang and pulls his shirt off quickly before jacking himself off furiously, squeezing his eyes shut, making sure to moan loudly when he comes all over his chest and stomach. Liam gasps, and that's all the confirmation Zayn needs.

 

Zayn blinks his eyes open after a few seconds to Liam kneeling down next to him, eyes wide. He's still coming down from his orgasm and he shivers at the close contact, watching how Liam's pupils are blown wide and how he's biting his lip anxiously.

"Can I…?" He asks, and then Zayn notices Liam's fingers hovering over the mess on his torso. His breath catches and he nods eagerly, holding back a moan as Liam reaches down and slowly swipes a finger through Zayn's come, bringing it back to his mouth and sucking on it. " _God_." He mumbles, then clumsily climbs on top of Zayn, feverishly kissing him again.

Zayn can almost feel the energy buzzing off of Liam and he slows down the kiss, breaking off and running his hands up and down Liam's back. "Calm down, babe, I'm right here."

"Zayn, I've never--I didn't think it could ever feel like that, _fuck_." Liam says, tucking his face into Zayn's neck. 

Zayn just hums, waits until Liam's breathing is back to normal, before slowly moving them up to their knees and then onto their feet. "How do you feel?" Zayn asks Liam, though it's fairly obvious with the way that his lips are swollen from biting and kissing and how his hair's gone unruly. He's blushing too, but Zayn doesn't think Liam's stopped blushing since he blew him.

Liam blinks a couple times before answering. "Amazing." He says, finally, a small smile on his face. "Thank you."

"I didn't do it as a favor, y’know.” Zayn says, cocking an eyebrow. “I did it because I _wanted_ to."

"Oh." Liam replies, his smile falling, as if he hadn't expected that at all. Zayn's stomach sinks a bit as he realizes that Liam probably thinks all that happened just because Zayn took pity on him, because he'd thought Liam was just being curious.

"Hey." He says, waiting until Liam's looking at him again. "I'm kind of mad about you, haven't you noticed?"

Liam blushes even deeper at that and clears his throat. "I just thought--"

"Don't." Zayn mumbles, cutting him off and pulling Zayn into a hug. He presses their chests together, loving the warmth that's radiating from Liam's skin. "Don't think, okay? Just kiss me again."

So Liam does, and Zayn can feel his heart almost burst from happiness as they stumble around the living room and fall back onto the couch, wrapped up in each other.

 

 

\------------ 

 

Zayn wakes up to the sound of something jingling and it takes him a second to realize that it's a pair of keys unlocking his front door. He slowly opens his eyes to the sight of Louis walking into the apartment. His clothes are wrinkled and there's more than one suspicious mark on his neck and he's _limping_ so obviously the first thing Zayn does is chuckle. Louis jumps at the sound and finally manages to notice Zayn on the couch, although his eyebrows rise a bit. Zayn looks at him, confused, before he feels a heavy weight shift on his chest and looks down to see Liam wrapped around him. 

Oh. Right. He looks back up at Louis and offers a weak smile. 

"I won't ask if you don't?"

"Oh, _shut_ up." Louis grumbles, doing his best to walk without wincing as he makes his way over to his bedroom, slamming the door shut so loudly that Liam wakes up. 

 

“Hmm?” He asks, blinking and slowly licking his lips, and Zayn can already feel himself getting hard. Goddamnit.

“Morning, sunshine.” He says, smirking and combing his fingers through Liam’s hair. “How’re you feeling?”

Liam pauses upon seeing Zayn and for a moment Zayn’s heart stops, dread racing through him, because Liam’s going to run away, because Liam’s going to hit him, because Liam wants to forget it all. But then he smiles, warm and wide, and Zayn breathes once more, sinking down into the couch as Liam hugs him.

“Happy.” Liam answers him, after a few minutes. “I feel happy. And I haven’t felt like this in--in forever, actually.”

Zayn chuckles and continues twisting Liam’s hair around his fingers. “You really do need to get this cut, y’know.”

Liam whines and bites Zayn’s shoulder. “I’ll do it before the wedding.”

 

Zayn freezes up, just for a second, but it’s enough for Liam to realize what he’s said and sit up quickly, eyes wide. “That’s not--fuck, Zayn, I didn’t--”

“Yeah.” Zayn says. “Yeah, I get it.”  
“I want to do this, Zayn, I want you, okay?”

“You’re getting _married_ , okay, and as much as I’ve been trying to ignore that fact, it doesn’t make it any less true.”

“Okay.” Liam says, then clears his throat. “Listen, I know this whole situation between us is a bit unorthodox to say the least--” Zayn snorts, and Liam glares at him a bit and keeps speaking. “But I can’t _not_ do this, Zayn. I’ve never met anybody like you and there’s no way I’m not letting this happen again.”

“Do you love her?” Zayn asks, and he sees Liam blink in confusion.

“Yes?” He says, but he end of the word wavers off, and Zayn can see the doubt in Liam’s eyes, which makes his heart flare up with pride. “I--we wrote to each other. For the past couple years. I’ve known her for a while, it’s not like I’ve just met her.” Liam adds, though it seems like he hasn’t finished his train of thought.

“...but?”

“But.” Liam sighs. “I don’t remember.”

“Of course.” Zayn mumbles, and then scrubs his face with his hands. “I’m not really the cheating type, and this just feels wrong.”

“You’re not the one cheating on anyone.”

Zayn cocks his head. “And you’re okay with doing this? Seeing me behind her back?”

“Zayn, please.” Liam says, leaning back down so that kiss Zayn’s chest, his hair brushing lightly across Zayn’s jaw. “I _need_ you.”

Zayn shivers and whines, cursing under his breath as he pushes Liam off of him. “Are you still getting married?”

“I have to.” Liam says, looking guilty. “It’s my dad who pushed me to, said he wants grandchildren and the whole nine yards while I’m still young.”

“Right.” Zayn replies. “So what happens after you get married? We just...stop?”  
“I…” Liam says, then slowly traces a path down from Zayn’s neck to his bellybutton with his fingers. “No one says we have to.”

Zayn closes his eyes, trying not to let his breath catch as Liam’s fingers continue moving up and down and around his bare skin. He knows this is wrong, so, _so_ wrong, but Liam’s giving him the chance to _be_ with him, to actually get to touch and kiss and fuck him, and even though Zayn’s not getting anything domestic--the sweet kisses just because, the late-night cuddles on the couch, Liam’s fingers playing with his hair--which he knows he’s going to miss terribly, he’s still getting something, and that’s more than he could’ve ever hoped for.

 

“Okay.” He breathes out, partly because he wants Liam to know he agrees to the arrangement and partly because Liam’s replaced his fingers with his tongue and Zayn’s getting way too worked up for this time of day and the last thing he wants is to get himself off with Louis next door. “Okay, yeah, let’s do it.”

“Really?” Liam says, looking up, and he’s positively _beaming_ , so Zayn pulls him into a kiss, so long and sweet that they’re both out of breath when they finally part. 

“God, Liam,” he mutters, “you’re so beautiful, you know that?”

Liam quiets for a second, sitting up and pursing his lips. “Why do you always call me that?”

Zayn stills again. “What are you talking about?”

“Liam. You call me Liam all the time. That’s not my name.”

Zayn sighs. “I know.”

“You told me a long time ago that I reminded you of a friend you had. Was that him? Liam?”

“Yeah.” Zayn chews his lip. “He was like...no, he _was_ my best friend.”

“What happened?” Liam asks, eyebrows drawn in concern. Zayn reaches up and pushes his hair back.

“Truthfully?” He asks, letting go so that Liam’s hair falls back into place. “I don’t know.”

 

Liam leaves after another solid makeout session that leaves both of them pink-cheeked and mussed, and he sneaks in another kiss right before he lets himself out, which stuns Zayn enough to leave him blinking at the closed door, a stupid grin on his face.

“Oi! Has he left?” He hears a voice call, and turns around to see Louis’ head poking out of his room. Louis gives him a proper once-over and scoffs, stepping out into the living room. “All right, spill.”

Zayn crosses his arms over his chest protectively. “You first.”

“Conveniently enough,” Louis starts, wincing as he walks to the kitchen, “I don’t remember a thing.”

“Interesting.” Zayn says, leaning across the bar and putting his chin in his hands. “But do you remember _Harry’s_ thing?” 

Louis flips him off and Zayn cackles. “He promised me he’d make sure your ass was sore in the morning. I can only _imagine_ \--”

Louis slaps his hand over Zayn’s mouth, glaring at him. “It wasn’t anything. Nothing, okay? I was drunk and you know how handsy I get when I’m drunk, especially with friends.”

Zayn sticks his tongue out, wiggling it until Louis pulls his hand back in disgust. “You’re my best friend. How come _I_ haven’t gotten a chance to fuck you before?”

“Because,” Louis replies curtly, pulling out a loaf of bread and sticking two slices into the toaster, “you had Liam.” He turns around. “Speaking of…”

 

Zayn shrugs. Louis reaches for the thing closest to him, which just happens to be a spoon, and chucks it at Zayn’s head. “Tell me what happened!”

“Fucking--” Zayn cusses, rubbing his head. “I just sucked him off, okay? No big deal.”

“It’s Liam.” Louis says, crossing his arms and raising an eyebrow. “When is it ever not a big deal?”

“I--” Zayn starts, and even though the last thing he wants is to tell Louis about what he discussed with Liam, he knows that it’s a secret he’s not going to be able to keep from him. “We made a deal.”

“Okay. Elaborate.”

“It’s like...a sex friends. Kind of thing.”

Louis frowns. “Okay…”

“Yeah.”

“Last time I checked, he was still engaged.”

“Yup.” Zayn replies, popping the ‘p’.

“And he’s going to get married.”

“Yup.”

“...and you’re going to be there to fuck him whenever he asks?”

“Well, y’know.” Zayn smirks. “Usually he fucks me, but that’s just details.”

“ _Zayn_.”

“Lou, I don’t want to hear it.”

“Tough. You need to. This is not healthy. This is not safe. This is nothing close to a good idea.”

“Yeah, well, fuck that.” Zayn says, standing up straight and looking right at Louis, his gaze strong and burning. “It’s the only way I get to be with him. And if it has to be while he’s with some girl who he doesn’t even really fucking love, I’m okay with that.”

Louis glares back at him just as hard, then finally seems to give up and sigh, shaking his head, his face softening. “Just--just don’t get hurt, okay?”

Zayn laughs. “I can’t guarantee anything. But I’ll try not to fuck myself up too much.”

“All right.” Louis says quietly. “That’s the best we can hope for, I guess.”

 

 

\------------

 

It all goes pretty damn well for a while. Liam doesn’t really act that different in public or around the other boys, and if any of them suspect anything every time he purposefully makes them move around so that he can sit next to Zayn or cuddles up to him a bit too close when they’re watching movies, they don’t show it.

When, they’re alone, though, it’s fucking ridiculous. Zayn doesn’t know how or why but Liam is _so_ damn ready for anything Zayn will give him at any fucking time of day. They get off everywhere, from Zayn’s kitchen to public restrooms; Liam pulled him into an empty fitting room at American Eagle at one point, expertly undressing them, wrapping a large hand around both their dicks and giving Zayn what was arguably the best handjob of his life.

It all builds up, though, to one evening when Louis steps into his room to make a call, leaving the two of them are sitting on the couch together, with Liam suddenly turning to Zayn with an evil look on his face, biting his lip teasingly. 

Zayn’s eyes widen. “No.”

Liam pouts. “ _C’mon_ , he’ll be, like, 15 minutes, at least. That’s more than enough time.”

“No way.” Zayn says, laughing and shaking his head. “What’s gotten into you? You’ve been antsy this whole week. I swear, I must have carpal tunnel or something with the amount of handies I’ve given you.”

Liam sighs exaggeratedly and slides down the couch, but offers Zayn a small smile. Zayn brings his leg up and pokes Liam in the thigh. “What’s up with you?”

Liam shrugs and plays with his hands a bit. “Nothing.” He says, softly, but Zayn’s always been extremely good at recognizing when Liam’s holding something back and this is definitely one of those times.

“You’re not telling me something.” He says, and then raises an eyebrow.

“I--” Liam starts, then sighs again in defeat. “My dad set a date for the wedding.”

Zayn’s sure Liam knows by now how much he hates talking about the wedding or Sophia or anything concerning the two so he frowns openly, not bothering to hide his distaste for the topic. “Okay. When?”

“Two weeks.”  
“Fuck.”

“Yeah, I know.”

“Still,” Zayn mumbles, scratching the stubble on his cheek. “Doesn’t explain why you’re so antsy.”

“I guess--I mean, it’s gonna change things, isn’t it?” Liam asks, suddenly sounding very small. 

Zayn frowns. “We agreed-- _you_ said that it wouldn’t matter if you were married.”

“I _know_ what I said, Zayn, but like--it’s going to be hard. Right now I’m still a bit free, I can give the excuse for hanging out with my friends and shit like that. Once I’m married I can’t spend so many nights with the guys. With you. I have to be home, I have to be a good husband.”

“So...what? You’re trying to fit in as many orgasms as you can over the next two weeks before things get a bit more stagnant?” Zayn snaps. He knows he sounds bitter, but this is fucking ridiculous.

“It’s not about the orgasms,” Liam says, and sits up properly again. “It’s about seeing you. Spending time with you.” 

“You don’t--” Zayn starts, his breath hitching. “You don’t want just...just the sex?”

Liam looks over at him, utterly defeated. “I want _you_. Whichever way I can.”

Zayn can’t breathe. His lungs are collapsing, he’s sure of it, because he knows what Liam’s about to say. He’s heard it so many times in the past, whispered into his ear, mumbled into his skin, written out on a million post-it notes and greeting cards he’s still got saved in a box in his closet. He watches the familiar shift of Liam’s expression, how his eyes warm up just a bit and how his smile settles. He can see his Liam in this Liam in front of him, how he settles himself and turns to Zayn.

“I love you.” He says, and a dam breaks inside of Zayn, all his thoughts suddenly flooding through his head, so intense that he can’t do more than scramble forward on the couch, pulling Liam into a hard kiss. They get so into it that they both roll off the couch and onto the floor, and that’s when Louis walks in, still typing away at his phone.

“Jesus _Christ_ , assholes, give it a rest already!”

“Sorry!” Liam cries, pulling away from Zayn, who’s moved his focus onto Liam’s neck. “Fuck, sorry, we--shit, I should get us to the bedroom, I--”

“I’m going out.” Louis announces. “ _Please_ be done with all of this by midnight.”

 

“C’mon,” Liam grunts, and Zayn pauses long enough to lift himself up off the floor and pull the other boy up as well. Zayn leans in but before he can make a move, Liam’s slid out of his arms and is walking backwards to the bedroom, smirking. “You can wait a couple more minutes till we’re on a bed, I believe in you.”

“You had me blow you in a _closet_ that one time, Liam, shut the _fuck_ up.” Zayn growls, but follows, easily shedding all his clothes so that by the time he spreads himself out on the bed, he’s completely naked. Obviously it’s not something Liam had thought might happen, because he’s just standing at the door, mouth agape.

“ _Shit_ ,” he mutters, after a few seconds, slamming the door shut and locking it, then stripping off himself. He crawls up the bed and presses himself down on Zayn, making sure their cocks are rubbing together, and then grinds down slowly, moaning in time with the other boy.

“Fuck me,” Zayn whispers, and Liam stops moving, shocked.

“I--what?”

“Please?” Zayn adds, smirking. 

“You want--you want _me_ to--Zayn, I’ve never--”

“Shhh, I know.” Zayn says, rolling over and pulling out a bottle of lube from his bedside table. “I’ll tell you what to do, babe, don’t worry.”

“Okay.” Liam replies, but it’s so quiet Zayn barely hears it. Instead he pours some lube onto his fingers, warming the liquid up a bit between them before reaching down and gently pressing his index finger to his hole.

“ _God_.” Liam says, sounding completely overwhelmed. Zayn laughs. “God, oh my god, _fuck_.”

Zayn keeps going, working his whole finger in before adding another, and soon he’s bucking his hips up, pumping his hand in and out of himself. He’s totally hard by this point, but so is Liam, who just keeps watching him come apart in complete awe. Zayn’s trying but he just can’t hit his prostate so he looks up at Liam, raising his eyebrow. “Wanna help?”

 

Liam, unsurprisingly, is more than willing to volunteer his own hand, and after slicking himself up, he slides a finger in alongside Zayn’s, moving the opposite way so that Zayn never feels empty as he’s being opened up. Zayn pulls all his fingers out and Liam immediately adds two more of his own in, biting his lip and furrowing his brow, so incredibly concentrated on doing the best job he can with preparing Zayn. It’s ridiculously endearing.

Zayn, of course, feels it when Liam finds his prostate, his hips shooting off the bed as a ragged moan tears through the previous silence of the room. Liam seems to put two and two together fairly quickly and angles himself so that he manages to brush against the same spot over and over, every time he works his fingers in and out, and Zayn’s reduced to a blubbering mess in no time.

“Li--John, _please_ , I--fuck, I need you,” he mumbles, and Liam nods obediently. 

“Where’re the condoms?” He asks, as if they’re something Zayn would actually buy. He hasn’t used condoms in ages, since the only person he’s slept with in years has been Liam. He doesn’t care, though, he knows that Liam hasn’t really slept with Sophia yet, and after so long, the last thing he wants to feel is some sort of barrier between himself and Liam.

“I don’t have any,” he says truthfully, then quickly adds, “but I don’t want to use one. Not with you.”

“Oh.” Liam says, gulping audibly. “Okay.” He adds, then somehow manages to lube himself up with one hand, his other fingers still curled up inside Zayn. 

Zayn doesn’t get a moment to rest after Liam moves his hand away because he pushes himself in right after, slowly but steadily, until he’s all the way in, his hips flush against Zayn’s ass. Zayn hasn’t been fucked for more than a year, so he feels his arousal start to climb steadily every time he shifts and feels just how full he is with all of Liam inside him. 

“Move, please.” He asks, and Liam grunts, slowly pulling out and sliding back in, building up a good rhythm. Zayn looks up at Liam, takes in his smaller frame, the hair falling into his eyes. Liam used to be so much stronger, so much bigger, large enough that he could completely envelop Zayn, but this Liam is so much smaller, barely covering Zayn when he leans above him. Zayn can see his arm muscles start to quiver only a few minutes later but he can tell that there’s no way Liam will admit defeat and let him take charge, so he does it slyly, pulling Liam down for a kiss and then swiftly rolling them over so that he’s straddling Liam’s hips, palms pressed down onto Liam’s chest.

 

“Fuck.” Liam spits, and Zayn smiles, leaning back far enough for Liam’s cock to really hit him _just_ right and then he lets go, picking himself up and bouncing back down onto Liam with gusto. He’s pretty much out of breath but he doesn’t even care because Liam’s looking up at him with pure adoration and amazement, his eyes flitting from Zayn’s blissed-out expression to his hard, pink cock, bobbing along in the air. 

Zayn clenches around Liam and he hisses, reaching out to grab Zayn’s cock. He tugs at it a few times, making Zayn moan and buck his hips forward, and then continues to stroke him as Zayn fucks himself on his cock. It’s not long before Zayn’s movements start to falter and then he’s coming all over Liam’s hand and chest, his body shaking with exertion and pleasure. Liam grips Zayn’s waist tightly, though, lifting his own hips up and fucking into Zayn quickly, letting out a soft moan as he comes. Zayn can feel Liam empty into him and he whines at the familiarity of the feeling, then at the loss as Liam slowly pulls out of him.

 

“Oh my _god_.” Liam says, falling back onto the bed and closing his eyes. “What the hell.”

“Hmmm,” Zayn agrees, curling himself up and pressing into Liam’s side. “D’ya like it?” He mumbles, eyes already heavy with sleep.

“Obviously.” Liam says, then shakes Zayn a bit. “Hey, don’t fall asleep on me, you ass.”

“But I’m _tired_.” Zayn says, pouting. He hears Liam sigh and then get out of bed. There’s the sound of some rustling and then some running water and Liam comes back and gently wipes Zayn down and cleans him up properly before pulling up the covers and pulling Zayn into his arms. 

“Goodnight, Zayn.” Liam says softly, his breath tickling Zayn’s ear. Zayn smiles, eyes still closed tight.

“I love you too.” He says, and he falls asleep to the sound of Liam’s heartbeat.

 

 

\------------

 

As much as Zayn hates to admit it, Sophia’s not as horrible as he hopes. It’s surprising it’s taken him this long to meet her, considering how long Liam’s been hanging out with him, but their first meeting is nothing crazy, just the rehearsal dinner for the wedding, where Zayn’s given the honorary seat next to Liam, the boy’s other side flanked by Sophia.

He’s been named the best man--Louis hadn’t been surprised at all, but Niall and Harry had thrown a small protest together, citing the years of friendship they’d had with Liam and how they’d helped him through every hard time in his life and more. Finally, fed up, Liam had simply crossed his arms and said, “Okay, so which one of you two gets to be the best man?”

After that, nobody really complains much about it.

 

The dinner’s great, of course. Zayn expects nothing less, considering the amount of money Liam’s parents are throwing into this whole affair. It’s in the dining room of Liam’s house, which is ridiculously huge, and they’re eating on fine china with crystal glasses and silver utensils. It’s almost too extravagant for Zayn’s taste but he smiles through the whole thing, mostly because of the boy next to him.

This is the first time he’s meeting Liam’s parents as well, his ‘mother’ and ‘father’, and he can see how almost everyone he knows changes their behavior around them. Liam is more reserved and quiet, staying close to Sophia and keeping at least a foot of distance between himself and Zayn at all times. Niall and Harry are the same, not even touching once throughout the entire meal, which is quite a feat for them. Louis even seems to fall prey to the older man’s presence, biting back all of his caustic remarks and not even trying to play with his food even once.

Beth, as the mother introduces herself, looks so overdone it makes Zayn feel uncomfortable. Almost every aspect about her feels fake, from her teeth to her skin to her bright blonde hair, wrapped up in a tight chignon. Roger, on the other hand, sits proud and strong, every feature of him as real as it gets. His eyes dart around the whole dinner, as if he’s making sure everyone is in their place, and they always linger a second longer on Liam, who sits glumly, picking at his food or tugging at his too-long hair.

Zayn thinks back to Liam’s actual parents, sitting in their quiet home in Bloomington. He knows there’s a picture of Liam on their mantelpiece and he knows both of them look at it at least once every hour--he’s counted. He thinks of Karen, how she smiles with love and warmth and how her hugs are the best medicine in the world, thinks of Geoff, his booming laugh and undying sense of pride at all Liam’s done with his life. He remembers how he’d wanted to tell them the instant he found out Liam was alive but how Louis had talked him out of it, and now he understands. Now he agrees, because the joy of finding Liam is nothing compared to the pain of having him not remember.

 

A couple hours into the dinner, Liam stands up, his hand trembling a bit as he clutches a flute of champagne, raising it into the air for a toast. Zayn immediately senses his nervousness and stretches his leg out, rubbing it gently against Liam’s shin, and sees him visibly relax.

“Um, I’d like to say a toast? If it’s okay.” He smiles as a few people laugh, then clears his throat. “I’ve learned a lot over the past few months. I’ve, um, learned about who I am, what I want from life, and, most importantly, whom I love. Everyone here at this table means something to me. You’re all a part of my life in some way and I’m so grateful for that. But there’s--there’s one person in particular that has undoubtedly changed everything about me, has transformed me from the inside out, and I owe them so much.” He pauses, taking a deep breath. “They’re sitting next to me today, as I hope they always will be, for the rest of my life, because I don’t know what I’d do without them. I’ve never felt this way about anyone before. You truly helped me discover what love really is.” Liam raises his glass. “To love.”

Zayn’s absolutely bawling, the only thing stopping anyone from commenting being Sophia, who’s crying along with him. There seem to be a few other older women dabbing at their eyes as well, so Zayn doesn’t feel _too_ embarrassed, though he leans into Louis gratefully when the boy puts his hand on Zayn’s shoulder.

 

After the dinner everyone mingles, which basically means Zayn walks off into a corner with Louis, Niall, and Harry while everyone else talks amongst themselves.

“That was a killer speech.” Niall says, swirling his drink before taking another gulp. 

Harry sighs. “I’m sorry, Zayn.”

Zayn shrugs. “I’m cool.” He looks over to Liam, who seems to sense his gaze and turns, offering a small smile. “We’re cool.”

“We’re _all_ cool.” Louis adds, then grins. Niall rolls his eyes while Harry giggles fondly and Zayn wonders just when the three of them got so close.

Suddenly Louis seems to straighten up, the smile sliding off his face. “Heads up.” He mumbles, and a second later Zayn feels a heavy hand fall onto his shoulder.

“Zayn!” A voice booms, and Zayn doesn’t need to turn around to know it’s Roger. He flashes a concerned look at the boys and then spins, giving the tall man a big smile.

“How’s it going, Roger?” He asks, hoping he sounds friendly and not like he’s about to shit his pants.

“Not bad, not bad...say, you boys don’t mind if I talk to Zayn alone now, do ya? Got a few wedding matters to discuss.” Roger asks, winking. The three other boys shake their heads and Louis gives Zayn’s shoulder a reassuring pat before walking away.

 

“Good.” Roger says, waiting till the boys are out of earshot before turning to Zayn, his expression easily shifting to something more dangerous. “Would you follow me to my study, Zayn?” 

It’s a question but it’s not as if Roger is expecting him to answer, because he turns and starts walking, obviously intending for Zayn to follow. Zayn hesitates but doesn’t dare anger the man, both out of fear of not being able to see Liam and out of fear of Roger himself.

The study’s a large, wooden room that smells of paper and wood and ink. Zayn would definitely find it comforting if there wasn’t a rather large angry-looking man in front of him, motioning to the empty chair in front of the desk. “Please sit.”

Again, it’s not like Zayn has an option, so he plops himself down, eyes darting around to capture his surroundings. If this is how he dies, well, he might as well get a feel for the place.

 

He’s still looking around when he hears a piece of paper being slid towards him on the desk. He tears his eyes away from carvings on the bookshelves to look down at the note that’s been given to him.

Only it isn’t a note. Instead, it’s a photo. And it’s one he’s all too familiar with. It’s a photo of him and Liam, not long after they’d officially become a couple, arms around each other’s shoulders. Zayn’s leaning into Liam a bit and Liam is grinning wide. He looks the same as he does now except that he’s a bit broader and his hair is much shorter, just cut to a few inches long, not really styled at all. It’s completely obvious that it’s Zayn in the photo, though. He looks practically the same, just with a bit more stubble now.

“Can you tell me what this is?” Roger asks, though it sounds like he already knows the answer. Fuck him. 

“It’s a photo.” Zayn replies, as calmly as he can. Roger looks like he’s about to break something.

“A photo of…?”

“Me.” Zayn answers.

“And…?”

“Where did you get this photo?”

“Answer my question, Zayn.” Roger says, his tone stern.

“Do you even know where this photo’s from?” Zayn asks, his voice rising.

“We are not here to ask _me_ questions, young man.”

“I know where this photo’s from.” Zayn says, ignoring Roger’s remark. “It’s old. Years old, in fact. This is the only physical copy of this photo I’ve ever seen and I’ve only seen it in one place: my boyfriend’s wallet.”

Roger freezes up, eyes widening in alarm. 

“Why do you have my boyfriend’s wallet, Roger?” Zayn asks, venomous. “Did you build your family fortune off of petty thievery?” 

“Be quiet.”

“Make me.”

Roger stares at Zayn in silence, contemplating for a moment. Then his frown grows even more. “Get out of my house.”

“Why? You don’t think I’m the only one who knows--”

“Zayn?” A voice calls, and Zayn stops talking, turning around quickly. Liam stops in the doorway, frowning. “Um. Am I interrupting something?”

“No, not at all!” Roger says, his voice suddenly saccharine, and he walks around the desk to clap Zayn on the back. “Just some wedding prep.”

“Oh. Uh, okay. Well, can I borrow Zayn? The boys and I are going to get some drinks and--”

“Sure, sure!” Roger says, ushering the two of them out of the room. “Go have fun.”

“All right, thanks, Dad!” Liam says, walking back down the hallway. Zayn goes to follow him, but Roger grabs his arm and pulls him back.

“The way I see it,” he whispers harshly, into Zayn’s ear, “is that you would’ve told him already if you could. The only problem is, you see, that you _can’t_.”

“That’s not true.” Zayn says, voice trembling a bit. “I could tell him tonight. I’ve got proof. He’ll finally be happy and healthy and _safe_.”

“Then do it.” Roger says, letting Zayn go, pushing him away a bit. “I dare you. Tell him the truth, and let’s see just how happy and healthy and safe he turns out to be.”

 

 

\------------

 

Zayn wakes the next morning unsurprisingly tangled up in Liam’s sheets. Liam’s nowhere to be found, though, and Zayn allows himself a minute to wake up before rolling himself out of bed to stumble over to the bathroom. He flicks the light on and there’s Liam, just as he suspected, sitting on the toilet, head in his hands.

“Hey, get up. I have to pee.” He mumbles, and watches Liam jump in surprise before standing up quickly to let Zayn lift up the lid and pull his underwear down. Liam blushes as Zayn pees, and Zayn raises an eyebrow and is about to question Liam before he remembers that Liam probably doesn’t remember ever seeing Zayn use the toilet before. It’s a small thing, but just domestic enough that it makes Zayn smirk as he redresses and flushes, going over to the sink to wash his hands.

“I’m getting married today.” Liam says quietly, and Zayn focuses on the bubbles forming on his palm.

“I’m aware.”

“My honeymoon is a week long.”

“I can’t really join you for that, y’know.”

“Zayn, you’re not--” Liam sighs, then walks over to him, turning him around so they’re face-to-face. “I’m not going to get to see you for a _week_. Please, can I--can we…?”

Zayn gulps. The wedding’s not till the evening so they have more than enough time, but thinking about it just makes Zayn feel even dirtier than usual. Liam keeps giving him his puppy-dog eyes but it’s not until he slowly wraps his arms around Zayn’s waist that Zayn relents, groaning defeatedly and pressing his mouth to Liam’s, immediately sliding their tongues together.

“You’re incorrigible.” He mumbles, tugging on Liam’s hair as the boy moves down to Zayn’s collarbones. 

“I don’t even know what that means.” Liam replies, though he doesn’t seem too bothered by the fact. “Take me to bed.”

 

Once they fall into the sheets, Zayn pulls Liam on top of him, and after a few minutes of desperate grinding and heavy breathing, he reaches over for the lube.

“Zayn, I--” Liam starts, his brow furrowed. He opens his mouth to say more but stays silent, as if he’s contemplating something.

“What? What is it?” Zayn asks, suddenly concerned. Liam _never_ stops them when they’re in the middle of having sex, not for anything, not even phone calls. Zayn had once stared, amazed, as Liam picked up a call right in the middle of a fairly spectacular handjob he was giving the both of them and discussed the menu for the wedding, calmly, his voice not even wavering as he came onto his fist and Zayn’s cock.

“Can we--do you think this time, maybe, we can--like, switch?” He mumbles, his cheeks reddening. Zayn can’t do much more than grin affectionately. He manages to nod, though, and Liam pinks up even more as he takes the lube from Zayn’s hands and pops open the bottle, pouring the liquid onto Zayn’s fingers.

Zayn bumps Liam’s legs apart with his thigh and reaches down behind him to press a finger into him. “Relax,” he whispers, as Liam sighs and settles himself down more on top of Zayn. Zayn keeps working his finger in until it slides in and out with little resistance. It’s not until he adds his second finger, though, that Liam hums in pleasure and kisses Zayn’s neck.

“I fingered myself the other night.” He says into Zayn’s skin, and Zayn’s so taken by surprise that he automatically slides both fingers in all the way, making Liam hiss a bit.

“Shit, sorry, I--fuck, did you really?” Zayn asks, pulling his fingers out and then working them back in with shallow thrusts. Liam moans as he moves along with Zayn.

“Yeah. Yeah, I’ve been thinking about this for _ages_ , I want you, want you _so_ bad.”

“Fuck.” Zayn says, then flips the two of them over, finding the lube again and slicking himself up before easily pushing himself inside Liam, sliding in all the way before almost collapsing onto the boy underneath him. “God _damnit_.”

 

Liam looks completely dazed, eyes almost rolling back into his head as Zayn fucks into him, his thrusts getting sloppier and more desperate by the minute. Zayn knows he’s getting Liam’s prostate with every thrust and Liam’s cock rests, untouched, pressed between their stomachs, swollen and wet.

“Oh my _god_ , Zayn,” Liam slurs, hooking his legs behind Zayn’s thighs. “More, please, I need-- _yes_ ,” he hisses, as Zayn grinds his teeth and pounds into him, hard enough that the bed is shaking. Zayn can tell Liam is close so he doesn’t let up, keeps going until he hears Liam let out a high-pitched noise right before he comes onto his chest. 

“ _God_ ,” Zayn says, then pulls out right as he’s about to come, jacking himself off onto Liam’s chest as well. He collapses right after, his nose smushed against Liam’s neck. “Fuck.”

Liam giggles in agreement, then rubs a hand up and down Zayn’s back, the two of them still buzzing with pleasure. “Thanks.” He says, and Zayn grunts, opening his mouth to bite the flesh on Liam’s neck.

“Don’t be stupid. You’re fucking welcome.”

Liam sticks his tongue out at Zayn, and Zayn can barely see it, but he grunts again, then rolls off, squealing, when Liam leans closer and licks his cheek.

“You’re _disgusting_.”

“Come back here.”

“No.” Zayn says, and then gets out of bed, standing up and offering Liam a hand. “You actually are disgusting, though. Let’s take a shower, yeah?” 

Liam reaches up for his hand but Zayn pulls it away right at the last moment, frowning. “If you pull me down onto you, dude, I swear I’ll castrate you.”

Liam grumbles something softly--Zayn only manages to catch something that sounds like “where does he even _learn_ these words”--and rolls out of the sheets as well, stumbling a bit before walking straight past Zayn and into the shower, stubbornly pulling the curtain shut.

Zayn rolls his eyes and walks over, pulling just enough of the curtain back to allow himself to slip in behind Liam. He slides his arms over Liam’s abs and kisses his shoulder. Liam scoffs in response but makes no move to push Zayn off, instead leaning into him, then turning around to pull Zayn under the warm spray of water.

Zayn sputters in surprise and Liam laughs, pushing the hair out of Zayn’s eyes before leaning in to kiss him, soft and sweet. It’s perfect.

 

A few hours later, Zayn’s already changed into his suit, hair styled and set. He’s trimmed his scruff down just a bit and made sure to splash on some of that cologne that always drove Liam crazy back in the day. He wants to look absolutely irresistible tonight, to have Liam’s eyes on him as much as possible.

Liam, on the other hand, hasn’t even bothered to get dressed yet, instead choosing to lounge on his bed in just his boxers and a white undershirt, messing around on twitter on his laptop.

“Get off your computer, you ass.” Zayn says, throwing a towel at Liam. “Get dressed. We have to leave for the church in a couple hours.”

“It’ll take, like, fifteen minutes for me to get dressed, Zayn.” Liam argues, typing furiously. 

“Yeah, but you never did get that mane of yours cut, did you? It’s gonna take forever to style that into something acceptable.” Zayn pauses and cocks his head. “You know what? Maybe if you get me a pair of scissors, I can give it a bit of a trim. Nothing crazy, but, like, just enough to keep it out of your eyes?”

“Hmm.” Liam agrees, and then closes the laptop, sauntering over to the bathroom. He shuffles through the cupboard underneath the sink and then pulls out a small black box. 

“This,” he says, grabbing the chair from his desk and setting it in front of the sink, “is a hair trimmer.” He grabs a towel and sits down, wrapping it around his neck and shoulders. “Do with me as you wish.”

Zayn blinks at him. “Are you serious?”

“Yeah. You’ve been nagging me about this since, like, you first met me. Hit me with your best shot.”

Zayn glances down at the kit and then back up at Liam, a slow smile creeping up on his face. He recalls a haircut Liam had had just before he’d shaved all his hair off and kept a solid buzzcut for almost a good two years, till he’d disappeared. It was really only on Liam for maybe a month, but it was by far the most attractive hairstyle he’d ever had, and it made Liam look _just_ like David Beckham, a fact that Louis just hadn’t been able to get over.

“All right.” Zayn says, and cracks his knuckles. “But no comments and no protests. You have to wait and see till it’s done, okay?”

Liam nods and mimes zipping his mouth closed, a smile still on his face. Zayn shakes his head as he plugs in the clippers. So much for being the irresistible one tonight.

 

 

\------------

 

Liam can’t stop running his fingers through his hair--or what’s left of it, that is.

“I look...fuck, I look _hot_.” He decides, scratching the now-buzzed sides of his head. “Christ.”

Zayn smiles wide, blushing a bit. Liam definitely looks hot, there’s no doubt about it, the hairstyle doing wonders for his jawline. “C’mon, let’s get you changed.” He says.

“Yeah, yeah. Can I put on some music, at least?” Liam replies, humming some made-up tune as he picks up Zayn’s phone, easily typing in the passcode and scrolling through the songs on his phone. “Ooh, this is a good one!” He says, and Zayn rolls his eyes when he hears the familiar first few notes.

“ _I’m that flight that you get on, international_ ,” Liam sings, his voice bouncing off the walls. Zayn freezes in place. He hasn’t heard Liam sing since he met him, and he’s blinking back tears almost instantly, just the familiarity of the noise overwhelming for him. “ _First class seat on my lap, girl_ ,” Liam continues, looking up to wink at Zayn. “ _Riding comfortable_.”

Zayn mimes gagging for a moment and Liam scoffs, continuing to sing along, swiping through the songs on Zayn’s phone. Zayn turns back to the closet, pulling Liam’s suit out of its garment bag and then searching desperately for the pocket square he knew he’d tucked away somewhere.

It’s not until a good five minutes later, when he finally finds the small silk square folded neatly next to the pair of socks Liam’s supposed to wear, that he realizes that there’s no music playing. 

“Liam?” He calls out. “Does my music suck _that_ much?” 

He chuckles, but there’s no reply. Frowning, he grabs the clothes, walking out of the closet and draping everything over a chair. “You okay, babe?” 

 

Liam’s sitting on the edge of the bed, staring intensely at Zayn’s phone, brow furrowed. He looks up at Zayn and bites his lip, then stands up and walks over to him, handing him his phone.

“You called me Liam again.” He says solemnly, his voice quiet.

“Oh.” Zayn says, shrugging. “Sorry.”

“Look at your phone, Zayn.” Liam says, and Zayn glances down and back up, then freezes, looking back down again.

The photo on the screen isn’t even close to one of the best pictures of him and Liam, though it’s definitely a few years old. Both of them look much younger, Zayn with almost no facial hair at all, Liam sporting the all-too-familiar head of curly hair.

“That’s me.” Liam says, and Zayn’s heart stops. _Yes_ , he wants to say, _yes, it’s you, it’s you, Liam, you’re mine_. But out of the blue, Roger’s words from last night echo through his head, and he chokes on his words a bit, unsure of what to say.

“It’s not.” He says, finally, his gut twisting from the lie. “Um, I was just, like, messing around on Photoshop and stuff. I know it looks, like, weird, but. I just thought a younger picture of us would be. Y’know, cute.”

“Right.” Liam says, and he looks a bit angry now, his jaw set. “Scroll to the next picture.”

Zayn does. It’s a picture he’s never really given much thought to, because he’s seen it so much, but now, looking at it in front of Liam, he can just imagine how flooring it must be, because the child in the picture, smiling shyly up at the camera, is undeniably Liam.

“That’s _me_.” Liam says again, and Zayn’s having trouble breathing. He can feel the anxiety bubble through his chest and it’s just like years ago, the day he realized Liam was actually gone. “Where did you even get this picture? I haven’t ever seen it, and I’ve looked through all the photo albums in this house, like, twice. I--this is the first photo I’ve seen of me with my birthmark.”

Zayn starts breathing raggedly, his eyes widening, his heartbeat thudding in his ears. He can feel his throat constrict and his palms start to clam up. “Zayn?” Liam asks, suddenly concerned, and Zayn staggers forward, gripping Liam’s shirt tight and falling into him, unable to keep his legs from collapsing underneath him.

“Liam,” he mumbles, his words slurring. His mouth is dry and he’s sweating now, he can practically feel his pupils dilate, and Liam looks scared as shit. 

“Fuck. Zayn, fuck, are you okay, I--”

“I hope you two are decent!” A voice calls out, and then Zayn hears the door slam open in the distance as he falls to the floor, automatically curling up into a small ball, desperately willing himself to calm down, to just _breathe_. 

“...Zayn?” The voice says, and it’s Louis, fuck, it’s Louis, and he knows just what to do, scooping Zayn up into a tight hug, shushing him gently. He whispers his name again and again, petting Zayn’s hair until the fear finally seeps out of Zayn’s bones and his limbs turn to jello, his chest still shaking a bit.

 

“What the _hell_ is going on?” Liam says, obviously stricken, blinking fast. Zayn blinks up at him weakly. His hair’s all messed up and he looks somewhere between terrified and outraged.

“Liam…” Zayn says, licking his dry lips, and suddenly there’s a glass of water being pressed to his mouth, Louis’ hand wrapped around it. He gulps it down eagerly.

“Why do you keep _calling_ me that?” Liam asks. “Why do you have photos of me on your phone, photos I’ve never seen before?”

“I--”

“Why did you know how I take my coffee before I even told you? Why do you always know what my favorite book or movie is going to be before I tell you?” Liam continues, his voice rising. He’s angry now, Zayn’s never seen him this angry before. He’s actually turning red, and Zayn’s eyes widen in fear.

“ _John_.” Louis says sternly, and Liam blinks a couple times, taking in Zayn’s face, and sighs.

“You--” He starts, and shakes his head. He sighs. “What aren’t you telling me, Zayn?”

Zayn clears his throat. “Where’s my phone?” He says, and Louis finds it somewhere on the floor and tosses it to him. Zayn opens the photo album and flips through until he finds what he’s looking for and hands the phone over to Liam.

 

He waits a bit for Liam to read all the text on the missing persons poster he and Louis made a while back, to read the details about him, to see the date he’d gone missing. To learn his real name.

It’s easy to see when the realization actually hits Liam and he just stands there, gaping at Zayn’s phone, unable to say a word.

“If it makes you feel any better,” Louis says, “Zayn and I found you by accident.”

“That was--” Liam says, then shakes his head. “That was at Niall and Harry’s party, yeah?”

Louis and Zayn nod simultaneously.

“They--they know?”

“Yeah,” Zayn says, gulping. “They found out that night.” 

“Same way you did, actually.” Louis says, smirking. “That photo album sure has come in handy.”

Liam stands there for a full minute, not moving, not blinking. It doesn’t even look like he’s breathing, to be honest. When he finally speaks, his voice is steady and low, laced with a dark undertone, and it shakes Zayn down to his core. 

“Who am I?”

 

 

\------------

 

Liam’s shaking. He’s rattling, like his bones are all trying to switch places, and Zayn can’t hold him still, no matter how hard he tries. Right now he’s got his hands wrapped tightly around him, keeping him in place as he presses their foreheads together and whispers, “I love you,” over and over again in hopes that it’ll calm him down.

He and Louis spent at least half an hour filling Liam in on everything so far and Liam hadn’t done so much as blink the entire time before calmly standing up, walking over to his bathroom mirror, and punching it till it shattered across the tiles. Louis had run downstairs to get a first aid kit and Liam looked too dangerous to be safe so Zayn had trapped him in his arms.

“Breathe,” he says. “Breathe, babe, _please_.”

He hears Liam take a shuddering breath in and then sob out a heartbroken, “ _Zayn_.”

“I’m here. I’m always gonna be here, babe, don’t worry.” Zayn replies, fighting to keep his voice calm and steady when his head is filled with Roger’s warning of Liam’s health, of Liam’s safety and wellbeing. Is this going to hurt him? Black him out? Is he going to remember anything at all?

 

Louis hasn’t come back up yet, and it’s been a while, so Zayn gently takes Liam’s arm and leads him out into the hallway and down the stairs and into the kitchen, where he finds Louis talking to Harry and Niall in frenzied whispers, immediately quieting down when he catches sight of them. 

Zayn didn’t know what he was expecting to find down here, but it certainly isn’t the entire wedding party. Granted, the _whole_ group isn’t there, but all the bridesmaids are, lounging around in their dresses in the living room, along with Sophia, who’d declared earlier that she’d only be changing into the gown once they got to the church, just to make things less complicated.

Liam’s ‘parents’ are also in the living room, Beth scrolling through something on her phone while Roger easily flips through a newspaper. All the chatter seems to cease as Liam walks into everyone’s line of sight, their eyes taking in his hair, his state of dress, his bloody knuckles.

Sophia is the first to react, running up to Liam and hugging him tight. Liam makes no move to hug her back. He keeps his arm tightly interlocked with Zayn’s and Zayn can see how the light in Sophia’s eyes dims a bit as she pulls back from Liam, looking hurt.

“John?” She asks, and Liam blinks a couple of times, dazed, then shakes his head.

“No.” He says. “No, that’s not my name.”

Roger stands up now, and Zayn builds up the courage to sneak a glance at him. He’s got two spots of color high on his cheeks and he looks ready to explode, so Zayn squeezes Liam’s arm in warning.

“I think,” Liam says, licking his lips and blinking hard. He’s breathing fast and even sweating a little. Zayn looks on, concerned. “I think I need to go to the hospital.” 

Then he faints, collapsing onto the floor, eyes rolling back into his head. 

 

Zayn is the first to scream.

 

 

\------------

 

Sure, Roger could’ve probably taken Liam on his own, but grouped together with Louis, Niall, and Harry, and the furiously protective looks on their faces, he has no choice but to just watch as the ambulance drives off with only Zayn inside, gripping onto Liam’s hand so tightly his knuckles are turning white. Louis and the boys are following right behind in Zayn’s car, Roger and Beth and Sophia right behind them. 

Zayn’s a bit nervous about what’s going to happen at the hospital but he can barely think about that when all his attention is on Liam at the moment and how he’s got tubes sticking out of almost every part of his body.

“Sir?” The paramedic asks, handing Zayn a clipboard. “We need you to fill out these forms. Would you be able to?”

Zayn nods, taking the papers, and automatically fills in the squares without hesitation. 

Name? _Liam Payne_.

Age? _25_.

Sex? _Male_.

He goes on like this, handing the clipboard back to the paramedic soon after, who seems pretty impressed with his speed. “Nice. Thanks.” He comments, then looks at him curiously. “What’s your relation to, uh,” he glances at the forms, “Liam?”

“I’m his--” Zayn starts, then pauses. Boyfriend? Lover? Soulmate? “Partner.” He says, finally, and the man nods, understanding. They ride in silence for a few more minutes before Zayn speaks up. 

“How much longer is it to the hospital?” 

“Uh...about 10 minutes, I’d say. Roads look pretty good today.”

“How is he?”

“Stable. Barely, though. He’s going to need some intense surgery, he’s got severe head trauma as well as internal bleeding. Plus those scraped up knuckles of his. What happened to the poor guy?”

 _Hell_ , Zayn thinks. He pauses for a minute, contemplating. “Do you have a phone I could use?”

 

As soon as they pull up to the ER, Zayn hops out of the ambulance, watching, numb, as a whole group of doctors and nurses wheel Liam into the tall grey building before him. The other boys are there right as the hospital doors close, and they all gather around Zayn, waiting for him to make the first move.

He doesn’t really have to, though, because a police officer approaches him right then, a stern look on his face.

“Are you Zayn Malik?” He asks.

“Yes.” Zayn replies, still staring at the closed doors.

“Can I ask why you called us over to hospital tonight?”

Zayn blinks and then turns to the man, who almost seems to move to take a step back at the intense expression on Zayn’s face. “I’d like to report a kidnapping.”

 

 

\------------

 

 _Hemorrhaging_. _Bruised temporal cortex_. _Degenerative memory_. 

Zayn just blinks and stares into space as the doctor rattles on about what he’s decided to diagnose Liam with.

“Okay,” he says, trying to sound as level-headed as possible. “But what are you doing to fix it?”

The doctor sighs. ‘ _DR. SMITH_ ’, his nametag says. How wonderful.

“We can’t do much.” He says.

“Great.” Zayn replies.

Dr. Smith gives him a dirty look. “We’re going to have to keep him here for a little bit. Right now he’s in a medically induced coma because we need his brain activity to be as low as possible if we’re to operate on him.”

“Wonderful.”

“I suggest you get some sleep, Mr.--” the doctor glances down at his clipboard. “--Malik. It’s going to be a while till we’re going to have any updates to give you.”

 

Zayn sighs. Sleep sounds good. Really good, actually. He looks around, wondering if there’s any way he can line up a few chairs in the waiting area and spread himself out on them without seeming like too much of a creep when he hears a surprised yelp from his left along with a litany of apologies. He turns and sees his friends, running towards him frantically, looking around left and right. 

“Uh. Guys?” He says, and Louis’ eyes snap to his, and Zayn can see a wave of relief sweep over him.

“Zayn, thank god!” Louis says, jogging over. “The cops need you right away.”

Oh yeah. The police. Zayn’s not sure how he forgot about them. 

“What happened?”

“Well, Roger’s in custody.” Niall says, still a bit breathless. “They want you to listen to his confession just to make sure all the facts line up.”

“Make _sure_? Of what? He kidnapped Liam!” Zayn cries, outraged. The nurse at the desk near him looks up and gives him a stern look.

Louis puts a comforting hand on his shoulder. “Look, Zayn, just come with us. Please?”

Zayn squeezes his eyes shut, trying to get his pulse to stop racing before he lets loose and punches the wall behind him. “Yeah, okay.” He says, finally. “Where’s Harry?”

The nurse clears her throat. Zayn ignores her.

“They’re questioning him too.” Niall says, obviously annoyed. “They want to make sure he didn’t know anything about the kidnapping, that he wasn’t involved.”

Zayn freezes. “He wasn’t, was he?”

Niall frowns. “Of course he fucking wasn’t. Have you met the guy? Harry would never hurt _anyone_ , why would you even ask that, you--”

“ _Guys_!” Louis says, and grabs both boys by their shirt collars, dragging them down the hall and back towards where Niall and Harry had come from. “Shut the hell up.” He whispers angrily. “We’re in a fucking _hospital_ and the last thing I want is to have to admit either one of you two into here, so stop saying stupid things, get your heads out of your asses, and grow the fuck up.” 

 

Louis pushes them through a set of double doors and suddenly they’re surrounded by men in dark uniforms with gleaming badges, and Zayn’s not-so-kindly led towards a small room.

“I didn’t know hospitals had interrogation rooms.” Zayn mutters, and the man near him raises an eyebrow.

“These are _observation_ rooms.”

“Yeah, sure.”

The man snorts. Zayn likes him immediately. “I’m Detective Keller. Me and my partner have been assigned to your case.” He holds a hand out.

“Zayn Malik.” Zayn says, taking the man’s hand and shaking it.

“I’m aware.”

It’s Zayn turns to snort but his smirk falls as the blinds in front of him open and he’s able to see Roger inside the room, handcuffed to the leg of a small steel table. He looks angry, as expected, but also a bit nervous, a small sheen of sweat on his hairline.

“He’s confessing? Just like that?” Zayn asks, and the detective nods.

“Says he has to do it.”

To be honest, Zayn’s not that surprised. He doesn’t even doubt that Roger’s ego is far too large for him to keep quiet about his actions.

“Tell us about the kidnapping.” The detective inside the room says, and Zayn can’t even breathe out of fear of being unable to hear every word that comes out of Roger’s mouth.

 

“My son,” Roger starts, licking his lips. “My son’s name is John.” He pauses. “ _Was_ John.”

“Where is he?” The detective asks.

Roger lets out a dark laugh. “Some cemetery in London, probably.”

“I’m sorry for your loss.”

“I’m sure you are.”

The detective puts a picture down on the table. It’s one of Liam, right before he’d been taken. Zayn had snapped that photo the day before. “Tell us about this boy.”

Roger is silent for a long time, and Zayn’s about ready to march into the room himself when he finally speaks. “His name is Liam.”

“Good.”

“Liam Payne. He lived in Bloomington, Illinois. He was around 23, 24 at that time. He went to train at a boxing gym three times a week, and he always took the same route. Every night.”

“And how do you know this?”

Roger smiles. “Because I got a letter, a fucking _letter_ , a week before my son was scheduled to return to America, telling me he’d died in a fire and I couldn’t bear to break the news to everyone. I _needed_ him alive. He was my heir, my successor, the one living reminder I had of his mother.”

The detective cocks her head. “Beth’s not his mother?”

“Not his biological mother, no.” Roger licks his lips nervously. “Liam’s mother died when he was a toddler. Beth and I only married around 7 years ago.”

“So what does this have to do with Liam?”

Roger looks up at the detective, his expression stony. “Liam was almost a dead ringer for John. I found him through the website for the gym he went to, I searched a photo of John on Google and Liam’s picture popped up because--” He sighs. “Because they looked _so_ alike. And Liam was from a small town, I didn’t think anyone would miss him or anyone would come looking. So I hired a couple guys. Big, tough ones. I got them to drive to Bloomington and find Liam and bring him back here.” Roger’s face suddenly crumples. “I never meant for him to get hurt.”

“Really.” The detective says, cocking an eyebrow. Zayn decides that he likes her too. 

“I was going to offer Liam money. More money than I knew he’d ever see in his life. I just wanted him to pretend to be John. For _me_. For his _mother_.”

“And this entailed marrying Sophia?” The detective asks, placing a picture of the girl on the table, next to the photo of Liam. Zayn’s stomach falls as guilt clouds over him. He’d never even thought of Sophia since they pulled up to the hospital. He doesn’t even know where she is at the moment.

“The girl didn’t know anything.” Roger says, confirming Zayn’s suspicious. “She’d been in love with John for a long time. And because of the huge gap of time since she’d seen him last, she didn’t even bat an eye when Liam ran into her arms.”

“And you convinced Liam to do this? Even though he has, in fact, been confirmed to be gay? And in a relationship with--” A picture of Zayn is added to the table. “--him?”

“I found a photo in Liam’s wallet after we picked him up. Zayn was all over his phone, too. It wasn’t hard to find out who he was or how he knew Liam.”

“I bet that put a little dent in your plans. So how’d you fix it? Decided to put a little dent in Liam’s head to match?”

“That wasn’t me.” Roger says, clenching his fists. “That was the men who picked him up. They didn’t know I wanted Liam alive. He was almost dead when they gave him to me. I took him to the hospital and he didn’t know who he was or where he was or anything about himself.”

“And you just couldn’t waste a beautiful opportunity like that.”

“He was just sitting there, a blank book waiting to be written. With _my_ story.”

“So you were the only one involved in this? No one else knew?”

Roger shakes his head. “But you have to understand. I _loved_ him. I loved him like he was my little boy. I wanted him to live on. I did this for _him_.”

“If you really loved your little boy,” the detective says, standing up and leaning down so she’s eye level with Roger, “you would’ve paid your respects at his grave. You would’ve held him a funeral to let everyone speak about how much they loved him. You would’ve been proud at how he’d lived out his days, not greedy for more to put to his name. You didn’t do this for him. You did this for _you_.”

 

 

\------------

 

Liam hasn’t moved in a week.

Zayn hasn’t either.

He eats and sleeps in Liam’s room. Cries in Liam’s room. Holds Liam’s hand for hours, sings him songs, kisses his unmoving lips, hoping he’ll feel him, hear him, taste him, _anything_.

The doctors aren’t any real help either. Zayn finds this out after a few days, when they tell him it’s up to him to choose when Liam dies, to pull the plug whenever he sees fit. 

Zayn punches Dr. Smith in the face.

 

 

\------------

 

Liam’s family come to visit after another week. Karen cries into his shoulder as Liam’s father does nothing but watch his small, broken boy hang on to life by a thread from a dark corner of the room. Ruth and Nicola try to do the same as Zayn but Liam doesn’t move. 

 

“His kidney healed itself, by the way.” Dr. Smith says the next morning, when he walks into the hospital room. He’s got a bandage on his face and the skin around it is dark purple. Zayn winces when he sees.

“What?” He asks.

“I heard you talk about it to Liam’s parents. He had a faulty kidney when he grew up? It healed itself.”

“Fat lot of good it is now.” Zayn mutters. He’d give up both his kidneys for Liam to open his eyes again.

“I’m just trying to say...y’know, miracles do happen.”

 

Zayn cries harder that night than he ever has before.

 

 

\------------

 

Zayn really needs to stop using these scratchy hospital sheets because they keep sticking to his face. He sighs and blinks his eyes open, ready to pull the covers down.  
Except.

He’s not in the armchair he usually sleeps in. He’s sitting on a chair next to Liam’s bed, his head in his arms. And it’s not a sheet tickling his face. It’s something else, something soft scratching his stubble, it’s-- _Liam_.

 

He’s up in an instant. “Liam?” He calls, and his stomach sinks when Liam stays as still as ever, but he glances down and sees Liam’s fingertip twitch once, twice. He grins and punches the air, hollering so loud that a nurse has to run into his room to tell him to quiet down. He just pulls her into a clumsy waltz, simultaneously laughing and crying until she’s laughing along with him, hugging him tight in congratulations. 

Liam’s back.

 

 

\------------

 

“What did you say to me?” Zayn asks, shocked. He can’t even believe Dr. Smith could even _dare_ say to him what he just had. He’s going to kill this man, he knows it.

Dr. Smith sighs. “We can’t let you be in the room when we wake Liam up.”

“I swear to god I’m going to fucking--”

“No one he knows is going to be in that room when he wakes up.”

“What? Why the hell not?”

“Liam hurt his brain, Zayn. We don’t know what he’s going to remember when he wakes up. There’s a good chance he might not even remember _you_.”

Zayn clenches his jaw. “You’re lying to me. You just want me to punch you again so you can get me kicked out of the hospital.”

“We want to see how much he remembers before we introduce him to anyone familiar. It’s the safest way to guarantee he won’t go into shock again.” Dr. Smith turns and walks out of the room, then pauses in the doorway, looking back. “Oh, and don’t flatter yourself, Zayn. I wouldn’t really call what you did a ‘punch’.”

Zayn is going to _murder_ him.

 

It’s a good hour before Dr. Smith returns.

“Well?” Zayn asks, standing up so fast his chair falls backwards. Dr. Smith raises an eyebrow.

“Excited about something?”

“I have been planning out ten different ways to neuter you, Smith, don’t--”

“Only ten? I’m disappointed. I was expecting more from you.” The doctor crosses his arms and smiles. “Well, go on then. I’m sure your boyfriend wouldn’t want to be left waiting.”

Zayn gapes at him for a moment before running up to the doctor and capturing him in a tight hug, enough to get him to let out a small “oof” before patting Zayn on the shoulder in return.

“You’re welcome.” 

 

“Where’s Zayn?” He can hear, as he approaches Liam’s room. “Please, I just really need--”

“Liam!” Zayn cries, and before he can help it, he’s crawling into Liam’s bed, smothering him with kisses all over his face until Liam finally pulls him close into a hug.

“Hey.” He says, his voice low and calm and soothing, and Zayn almost starts crying right then and there.

Zayn pulls back and cups Liam’s face with in his hands. “How do you feel?”

Liam frowns. “Good. Do you know why I’m here, though? Did I get hurt at the gym or something?”

Zayn’s brow furrows. “The gym? Since when have you gone to the gym?”

“Uh...I go there like every other night?” Liam says, cocking his head. “It’s weird, though, like can one hospital visit make you lose this much muscle mass?” He lifts up an arm. “I’m 90% sure my biceps are usually bigger than this.”

Zayn swallows, though his throat seems unusually dry. “Liam.” He says, lightly. “What’s your name?”

Liam laughs. “You literally just said it. What kind of question is that?”

“...what year is it?”

“Um, 2016? Why?”

 

Liam doesn’t remember. He doesn’t remember anything. He thinks it’s still more than a year ago. He thinks it’s the day after he, for some reason, blacked out on his way to the gym. He doesn’t remember being John. He doesn’t remember Beth or Roger or Sophia. Or Niall or Harry. He doesn’t remember everything he did with Zayn, everything he said to him. 

“You’re wrong.” Zayn says, his words slow. 

“About what?” Liam asks, looking concerned.

“The date.”

“Right.” Liam snorts. “What, have I been in a coma for a year or something?” 

Zayn doesn’t reply, and Liam’s smile falls.

“No.” He says, swallowing.

“Not a year.” Zayn says, his voice almost robotic. “You’ve been in a coma for about a month.”

“Zayn.”

“You were, however, kidnapped. More than a year ago.”

“Zayn, what--”

“You were walking to the gym and you got attacked. You lost your memory. You had a new life here.”

“Here.” Liam repeats. His fists are clenched tight and Zayn winces. “And where, pray tell, is ‘here’?”

“Columbus. Ohio.”

“For a _year_?”

“And a few months more.”

“I--what happened? Why are you in Ohio? Did you find me here?”

Zayn laughs bitterly. “By accident. Louis and I looked for you for ages and then we moved here. I don’t know why I picked this place, I just--I stared at a map for an hour and for some reason I couldn’t get this city out of my mind. Fate sure is a tricky bitch, isn’t she?”

“Louis.” Liam breathes. “Is he coming to see me?”

Zayn nods. “He’s on his way. Along with Harry and Niall.”

“Who and who?”

“Sorry. Forgot about that detail. You’ll find out soon enough.”

 

Louis bursts through the door right then, letting out a cry of relief at the sight of Liam looking like an actual human being for the first time in a while. He runs forward and hugs him tight, and Liam smiles and hugs him back, ruffling his hair when they pull apart.

“Hey, Lou. Was this your idea?”

“Um, what? Waking you up from the coma? I’m not _that_ powerful, y’know.”

Liam rolls his eyes. “You can give it up now. Zayn played his part pretty well, I’ll admit. The whole coma-kidnapping thing. Threw me off for a second there.”

Louis’ grin slowly fades and he bites his lip, looking back and forth from Liam to Zayn. “John, this isn’t a joke.”

“Uh, who’s John?” Liam says, then leans back a bit and surveys the two guys standing behind Louis. “And who’re those guys?”

 

Zayn can swear he hears both Niall and Harry’s hearts break as Liam speaks those words and he can’t help but choke back a sob as Liam looks between the four of them, clearly confused.

“You guys--”

“This isn’t a joke,” Louis repeats, then takes a deep breath. “Liam.”

“Fuck off, Louis, I’m done with this--”

“Liam, you _have_ to believe us, why would we fuck with you like this?”

“You’ve done so much worse, Lou!”

“I wouldn’t lie to you about something like this, especially not with Zayn around!”

“Zayn is _always_ around, Lou--”

“ _Enough_!” Zayn says, so loud that even Harry and Niall jump a bit. “Shut the _fuck_ up, both of you.” He adds, glaring at Liam and Louis. “I have gone through _hell_ this past year, Liam, and I’m sorry if it seems too horrible to be true, but not all of us can just fucking sleep the worst year of their life off, okay? So why don’t you shut up, listen to what we have to say, and accept that all of our lives got pretty fucked up for a little bit?”

Liam’s staring at him in shock and Louis looks the same, though his expression seems to be a bit more admiring too. Harry’s looking guiltily at the ground and Niall can’t stop staring at Liam, his mouth in a tight line. 

“I had to reset my entire life for you, Liam.” Zayn says, crying. “I had to do it once and it almost _killed_ me. I don’t know if I can do it again.”

“Zayn,” Liam says, his voice no more than a whisper, but that’s all Zayn hears before he’s out the door, running through the halls of the hospital, trying to find a way to get out of the place.

 

 

\------------

 

Zayn used to smoke just for stress. Then it became a slow habit, and since his cigarettes were always around, he never really noticed how much he puffed until Liam made an innocent comment about how they probably needed air freshener in their apartment. Since then, he’d cut down, maybe just a few a day. In the past few months, though, since he started hooking up with Liam, he’d felt so relaxed that he hadn’t even smoked at all. And then over the past few weeks, because he’d been cooped up in a non-smoking hospital room with the one person he never wanted to leave, he’d not even thought of smoking once.

But now, as he finds a door that leads to a parking lot outside, the first thing he does is pat himself down, desperate for a smoke. He’s always hidden cigs in the pockets of all his jackets, and, luckily, this coat is no exception--he finds one almost immediately, tucked into the corner of his chest pocket.

Finding a lighter, though, is another issue. He’s got his cig in his mouth, digging through his pockets for anything he can use, when a hand sticks out and a thumb flicks on a small flame. Zayn automatically leans forward to light himself up and then leans back, letting out a slow exhale of pale gray smoke. “Thanks.”

“No problem.” Louis says, and Zayn jumps a bit, then puts a hand over his racing heart.

“Fuck, you scared me.”

“Hmm.” Louis says, flicking his lighter on and off. “The feeling’s mutual.”

Zayn takes a long drag, blowing out a few smoke rings and tapping off his ashes on the wall he’s leaning on. “Look, I can’t go back in there right now.”

“Zayn, you’ve literally been waiting for Liam to be conscious for a month now. Are you just going to pussy out on this because you’re scared?”

“I’m not _scared_ , I’m--”

“Of _course_ you’re scared!” Louis cries, pushing himself off of the wall and standing so he’s in front of Zayn. “But you know what? So are the rest of us! Niall hasn’t eaten in 24 hours and Harry hasn’t stopped crying for all that time either. I haven’t slept in _days_ , Zayn. This is not just about you. Don’t make this just about you. You are the one constant in this whole equation. I’m lucky enough to even be a bystander, and poor Niall and Harry are going to have to reintroduce themselves to someone they thought was their best friend.”

“I had to do the same thing.”

“ _Exactly_. But you had hope. Hope that Liam would remember you, would recognize you. And you know what? He did. Because you were so ingrained in his body, so embedded in every fiber of his being, that he was in love with you even when he didn’t know anything about you. But those two boys in there? Your best friends? They’re not so lucky. And they haven’t gone through anywhere near the amount of shit you’ve gone through, so they’re not as strong. They need you to get through this. 

And me? I’m tired, Zayn. I’m so tired. I don’t want to worry anymore. I’ve spent the past year worrying about you, about Liam, about this whole shitstorm. I’m so ready to be rid of this burden, Zayn, to finally be happy for the first time in a long time. _I_ need you to get through this.

But most importantly, there’s a young man in the hospital right now. A man who just found out that he’s lost the last year of his life living a lie. A man who doesn’t know who to turn to, who to trust, and the one person he’s willing to listen to, willing to totally believe, just ran out on him because they were too worried about themselves to care about the people close to them.”

Louis steps forward till he’s in Zayn’s space and jabs a finger into his chest. “ _You_ are the common denominator. So get over yourself and do what’s right, Zayn.”

 

Louis leaves just as quickly as he’d arrived and Zayn just stares straight ahead, still processing everything Louis has told him. He knows Louis’ right, as much as he hates to admit it, and he’s crying before he can help it, sobbing into his hands. He thinks back to the morning after he’d first visited the police station because of Liam’s disappearance, and how Louis had been there for him, fought him, left his whole life behind, just because he cared about Zayn so much. There’s no way he’d be sane today if it wasn’t for the other boy. Zayn doesn’t even want to imagine what his life would be like if Louis hadn’t come to Columbus with him.

 

He doesn’t know how long he’s cried for but it’s enough for his cigarette to have burned down to the filter. He flicks it down onto the pavement, crushes it with his foot, wipes his face on his sleeve, and goes back inside. He’s got a lot of explaining to do.

 

 

\------------

 

“And now, a special news report,” the anchor says, her voice high and tinny on the TV.

“Quick! Quick, guys, hurry up!” Louis calls, and there’s a mad scramble to pile onto the sofa.

“A year-long incidence of kidnapping and identity theft.” The reporter continues. Liam reaches over and grips Zayn’s hand. “The story of a young man named Liam Payne, taken from his home and stripped of his memory. How he rediscovered himself, was reunited with friends and family, and brought the person responsible to justice.”

Liam pouts. “They’re making it sound like it was all me.”

Louis scoffs. “I know. Where’s my fifteen minutes of fame?”

“Shut up.” Liam flicks Louis upside the head. “I didn’t do anything. I just dawdled around while Zayn yelled at people.” 

Louis clears his throat. “And you helped, of course.” Liam adds, leaning down to press a loud kiss to Louis’ head.

“Hey, now, let’s not forget who invited you to their house party.” Niall says, raising an eyebrow. Harry giggles and leans in closer to him. “I think me and Styles deserve a _little_ bit of credit here, at least.”

“What if you’d never invited us to your party?” Louis says. “What if Zayn had never worked for you guys?”

“What if I’d refused to give you two a room when you came to the hotel because you were being a right twat?” Niall asks, grinning.

“Excuse me,” Louis says. “I am offended by that statement.”

“Good.” Niall replies. “I sure as hell wasn’t trying to compliment you.”

“Ladies, ladies, _please_.” Harry chimes in, throwing one arm around each of the two boys and pulling them into a hug. “Why can’t we all just get along?”

 

“Am I supposed to be sad that I missed a whole year of this?” Liam says, laughing, and then squeals when Louis hits him with a pillow. “Oh, hey, by the way, Lou, Zayn told me about this _very_ interesting night you had a while back with Harry and Niall over here…”

All three of the boys blush simultaneously and then there’s three pillows hitting Liam, who’s squawking now, trying to hide behind Zayn and failing.

“Zayn!” He cries out. “Protect me!”

Zayn grins and wraps himself around Liam, kissing his cheek. “Always.”

Liam bites his lip, turning his head so he can give Zayn a proper kiss. “I love you.”

“I love you too.”

“Hey, stop making out, you asshats, you’re on TV!”

 

 

\------------

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> heueheeuheue mERCI BEAUCOUP
> 
> You can find me on [Twitter](http://twitter.com/slashter_fic) or [Tumblr](http://slashter.tumblr.com)!


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